Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives struggle with more than one issue when their husband has an affair. If his cheating isn’t bad enough, some husbands are reluctant to end it. To these husbands’ credit, at least they aren’t lying and promising that the affair is over when they know that it is not. Instead, they are honestly telling their wives that they are not sure what they want just yet. They are dragging their feet about breaking it off, even though they are often still living with their wives and children.

Needless to say, the wife understandably wants the affair to end at once. This can be true even if she is sure that she will end up divorced anyway. But, she can not stand the thought of her husband continuing on with the affair right under her nose. It is completely disrespectful and not healthy for anyone. Unfortunately, although she may try many strategies and approaches to encourage him to break it off, he often stops just short of doing so.

This leaves the wife wondering if she should play the very last card she has – her children. Many wives consider telling the husband that she will limit his access to the kids, or worse, she will tell the kids about the cheating – unless he stops this right now. She might say, “My husband truly doesn’t seem to care about what I want right now. I can tell that he is very embarrassed to be caught cheating and that he is very sorry that he has hurt me, but I still can not get him to commit to breaking off the affair. He promises that he wants to and says that he eventually will, but he insinuates that right now, things are volatile. Well, how are they not volatile at home? Our kids don’t know anything, but what would happen if they did? I am considering threatening to tell the kids about the affair. My husband may not care about what I want, but he cares very deeply what his kids think of him. Whatever his shortcomings, I must admit that he is an outstanding father. He would not want the kids to know that he is a cheater. Still, I feel like this would be a low blow. Should I involve the kids in this if it might save our family?”

I understand why this is a tempting strategy. Having someone else on your side would feel validating. And the kids might be the only people on earth who could get your husband to take immediate action. But I still do not think this is a good idea. Here is why.

Your Children Are Truly Innocent And Should Remain So: Although your husband may deserve any fallout that comes his way, your children do not. Your husband has made a grave mistake, but your children should not pay the price for this. I believe that if you tell them, the innocent perception that they have of their father may change. There may come a day when you reconcile with your husband. But your children will never be able to forget about your husband’s mistake. This declaration will never be forgotten and you can never take it back.

My parents had a pretty nasty divorce. My mother bad-mouthed my father endlessly. As a result, my relationship with him was diminished until I was well into my adult years. I firmly believe that this affected my relationships when I was a teen and a young adult. My mother couldn’t have known that her actions would hurt me in the way that they did. But I would never, ever, want this for my own children. I doubt that anyone would.

That is why I never told my kids about my husband’s affair. Any hardships within my own marriage were mine alone.  This was not my childrens’ burden to bear. And I am never going to tell them about their father’s mistake because I know that having a strong relationship with both parents is in their best interest. If my husband and I had divorced because he refused to end the affair, I would still feel the same way about this. Children should never be punished for their parents’ mistakes.

Consider Alternatives That Make Him Think But Do Not Involve Your Children: I completely understand needing a stimulus for your husband to end the affair. And I don’t think you’d be outside of your rights to ask him how his mother, his sister, or his kids would feel IF they knew about his behavior. But you should never actually threaten to tell any of these people because following through with it would unleash some very negative consequences when there is already more than enough of that.  You can also tell him that he will not be enjoying any of the benefits of marriage while he is still cheating.

You are absolutely justified in being furious with your husband and with wanting to pull out all the stops. But children should never be part of that. In truth, everyone but your husband and the other woman are innocent in this. No one else made the decision to cheat. Unfortunately, you are pulled into this because his cheating affects your marriage. However, it does not affect his being your children’s father. He will always have that role no matter what. Having a strong relationship with both parents is a gift that you can give your children. One should not taint that with the ugliness of this affair.

Let your children remain innocent of the issues within their parents’ marriage. Your marriage should not be their problem. I know what you are thinking – that if your marriage should end because of this affair, then it will become your children’s problem. This may be so. But why give them a problem any earlier than you need to?

Sometimes, time is all that is needed here. Many husbands eventually come to their senses. They break it off, beg for forgiveness, and even plod through counseling or self-help. Eventually, they emerged with a scarred, but saved, marriage and both spouses are happy and relieved that they never allowed their children to be hurt by a situation from which they could be protected.

I have been furious at my husband due to his affair. I have at times thought that my kids would have a broken family. However, now that we have managed to remain a family and are pretty much okay, I am extremely grateful that I never allowed the affair to hurt my children. They didn’t deserve that. And I will be forever grateful that my husband and I worked together to ensure that our issues won’t follow them into their own marriages. You can read more about our recovery here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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