Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who are very unhappy in their marriage but who stay in the same because of their children. Many times, they are children of divorce who has vowed that they will never put their own children through the same single parent childhood that they themselves had. As a result, they have resigned themselves to staying in their unhappy marriage no matter what. As this is understandably a lonely place to be, they often wonder what they can do to make life more bearable. And that is typically when they begin to contemplate perhaps cheating or having an affair. They figure that they are justified in this. Their spouse is getting their commitment and long term security. But at the same time, the thinking goes, they have needs too. So what is the harm of just getting their needs met and then coming home to their spouse, especially if that same spouse never finds out and no one has to get hurt? That way, the children will have both parents in a secure home but then the cheating will make it more bearable.

An example of a comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I will fully admit that I am no longer in love with my wife. I don’t find her all that attractive sexually anymore. She has let herself go in a big way. I love her because she is a good woman. My religion is very strict about divorce and I wouldn’t want to get a divorce because of my kids anyway. I think my wife knows all of this deep in her heart but we never discuss it. She seems to prefer to look the other way. There is a woman at work who has made it clear that she would like to have a relationship with me. She knows that I am married and this doesn’t seem to bother her. I’ve made it clear that I will never leave my wife. Is this acceptable when I’m very clear on the fact that I’m only staying in my marriage because of my kids and my religious beliefs? I don’t think that my wife is cheating or would cheat but that’s only because she’s not interested in sex.” I will tell you my very strong opinion on this in the following article.

I want to be straight about this right from the beginning. I’m a woman. And a wife. I have dealt with infidelity in my own life so it’s not likely that I’m going to offer my go ahead here. With that said, I have to tell you that this situation is very common. I’m not going to pretend that this husband is an exception to the rule or a rare example because he most definitely is not. Many people just go ahead and act in this situation without even stopping to consider if it is OK. Many others go right ahead and leave their family after having an affair even when there are children involved. This husband at least paused and deeply considered both his children, his marriage, and his religion before he acted. And this actually said a lot about him. It’s not my intention to insinuate anything about his character or imply that he was a bad person, because frankly, I don’t think that this was true and this isn’t the point anyway. Many people have the urge to cheat. But in my view, it’s best to do whatever is necessary to address this urge with your spouse.

It’s my belief that people will generally give up on their spouse and their marriage far too early. Frankly, some people tell me that it’s easier to invest in someone who is almost a stranger instead of being honest and risking hurting your spouse. But here is the thing. If this marriage is forever like he was saying, then doesn’t it make sense to put everything you have into it? Yes, you may have to go to counseling. Or, get some help with intimacy or have an open and direct conversation with your spouse. You may have to take up working out and ask your spouse to go along so that you can spice up both of your appearances. You may have to work very hard to address those things that bother you about your spouse or about your marriage. And this isn’t always easy, but the reward is go great. Why not have the spark, the intimacy, and the bond with the person whom you are already committed to spending your life with?

I know that in your mind, you are probably thinking that you will keep the cheating completely separate from your marriage. You think that it will be a physical relationship only and that keeping the boundaries clear won’t be all that difficult. I can assure you that it is often more difficult than you think. What happens if the other woman develops real feelings for you and starts to pressure you to leave your wife? What if she threatens that she will tell your wife if you don’t? What happens if your wife finds out? What if your children find out? What if the affair relationship offers just as many complications and disappointments as your marriage? What if the sex isn’t as good as you thought while the guilt is worse than you thought? Frankly, these are all things that you need to consider.

Obviously, the answer to my question would be that although you could cheat, I do not think that you should. I think that the best case scenario is to fix your marriage and have an affair with your own spouse. And I actually really commend you for your commitment to your marriage and your children.

I believe that recovering your marriage before cheating is actually similar to the process that you use after cheating.  You have to rebuild the relationship, work on yourself, and address your marriage’s vulnerabilities so that you aren’t tempted to cheat again.  If it helps, you can read more about my own recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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