Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Few moments as frozen in time as when a wife finds out that her husband has been unfaithful. For many of us, that image is embedded in our brains forever. And it’s an ugly memory – one that we’d very much like to forget. Many wives wonder if being repeatedly plagued and injured by this image is an indication that they won’t eventually be able to move on.

An example is, “I’ll never forget the combination of panic and realization on my husband’s face when I caught him cheating on me. Thankfully, I didn’t walk in on him in the act, not exactly. But it was still pretty traumatic. He thought that I wouldn’t be home from work until hours later. But I came home early. I wanted to share something exciting that happened earlier in the day, so I opened the door to his office, naively thinking that he would be happy to see me. Instead, he didn’t even see me come in because he was talking lovingly to the other woman. In fact, although he was technically facing toward me, it took him several seconds to even notice that I was standing there. Before he realized it, he was all smiles, and he was practically cooing at the other woman. However, once he finally saw me, he practically dropped the phone. The look on his face was one of sheer panic. He immediately hung up and he lunged toward me. But I wiggled away, leaving him to chase me, swearing that I needed to hear him out. He did admit to cheating, but claimed he was getting ready to break it off. This has to be a lie. His face most definitely did not look like the face of a man who was unhappy and ready to end things. The problem is, I keep seeing this mental image over and over. I dream of it. No matter what my husband says or does, this image is what I take with me. I worry that this image showed my husband with his defenses down. So I get to see his true self, and how he really felt. And what I saw was a man who was thinking only of himself and of the other woman. He was not thinking of his wife. And he looked happy. I will never be able to put this image out of my mind. And I do not know how I can move on with this in my head. He swears that he will do whatever is necessary to save our marriage. But how can I save my marriage to a man with that look on his face?”

You Are Not Alone. This Mental Image Is Nearly Universal: Before I say anything else, I want you to know that you are by no means alone. Every woman who has dealt with infidelity has some similar image frozen in their own minds. For some, it from when they confronted their husband. For others, it’s when he finally admitted it. And for still others, it is when they actually caught him. All are extremely hard to process.

And yet, statistics show us that a majority of couples who deal with infidelity stay together. The numbers vary, but I’ve seen them range from anywhere to 50-70% of couples staying together. Another statistic indicates that 20-40% of divorces are caused by infidelity. That said, not all marriages that survive infidelity are completely happy. Some couples still have multiple issues that they are trying to deal with. But many of them manage to stay together. I mention these statistics because I want to offer you some reassurance that having this mental image does not mean that you cannot or should not move on, although the decision to do so has to be up to you.

Moving The Image From The Foreground To The Background: No matter what happens with your marriage, whether that mental image continues to plague you or whether it fades into the background depends, at least in part, on your ability to heal. And many factors go into this.

It is a good sign that your husband is willing to do whatever you’re going to ask of him. Because he’s going to need to be accountable and rehabilitated so that your perception of him can also be rehabilitated. As you begin to replace bad days with good days, you’re also going to be able to replace bad memories with good ones. This takes effort and time. Unfortunately, there aren’t short cuts in this process. But if you can get your marriage back on solid ground, (or if you can heal yourself, even if your marriage ends) then you have no need to keep revisiting the past.

Everyone in life has traumatic memories. No one goes through life without hardship. Some will have terrible memories of financial hardship. Others will deal with illness or other tragedies. But those images and memories fade when the situation improves. As just one example, after one of my family members died after a cruel, horrible illness, I used to have nightmares about his suffering and diminished physical appearance. The process was incredibly painful. But today, now that time has passed and that wound has begun to heal over, I think of him happy and healthy. My memories of him feature him smiling and looking triumphant.

When we heal, we can replace horrible memories with happier alternatives. When the wound isn’t so fresh, we can push the traumatic memories out of our minds so much more easily. I know that this is still fresh, so yes, you may have to grapple with the look on your husband’s face for a while longer.

But try to place your focus on taking a few steps forward so that gradual healing can take place. If you focus is on moving ahead, then you focus less on remembering the painful aspects of the past. Yes, this past is so fresh that it may feel like a struggle right now.

But better days are usually ahead, no matter how this plays out. The human spirit is incredibly resilient, and human nature dictates that we ultimately desire growth rather than stagnation. Yes, it can take a while and require hard work, but it is not impossible.  You’re welcome to read about how I recovered from infidelity at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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