Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Understandably, many wives lash out when they find out that their husband has an affair. They are angry. They are afraid. And they feel as if they are at the mercy of their circumstances. So, to regain a sense of control, they make ultimatums. You can’t blame them for immediately proclaiming that their husband must make a choice – the other woman or the marriage. Her or me. Once that declaration is made, it can feel like a relief. You’ve spoken up and you have told him how it needs to be. Unfortunately, that relief can be very short-lived. Because now he has a choice to make. And a wife may worry that this choice will not go in her favor.

She may say, “Right after I caught my husband cheating, he claimed that the other woman meant absolutely nothing to him. I wanted to believe this. But I did not trust him. So I continued to snoop. And sure enough, I found proof that he was lying. I found letters and texts where he told her how much he cared for her. I even found one exchange where he talked about the future and hinted that they might be together permanently one day. When I confronted him, he told me that of course, he was going to tell her what she wanted to hear, but he swore that he was exaggerating his feelings. I am wondering if it is me who he is lying to. So I told him that he had to make a decision between her and me. I assumed that he would immediately tell me that he chose me. But he hesitated and then he stammered. Incredulously, I screamed, ‘Do you need time to think about it?’ and his response was ‘you are overreacting.’ I told him to get away from me because I did not want to be in his presence. But now I am second-guessing myself. What if he doesn’t pick me? It’s not as if I can go to him and tell him that I am calling off the ultimatum and that he can have all the time he needs. I will look so weak if I did this. And I want him to fear my reaction. But now I worry that my position is not as strong as I thought it was. And I don’t know what I’ll do if he tells me tomorrow that he did not choose me.”

Don’t Beat Yourself Up. Your Goal Is Understandable And Commendable: Many wives feel some reluctance about the ultimatum, especially when the husband’s response did not go as planned. However, before you are too hard on yourself, know that your desire to regain some control and to have some clarity is understandable. I know firsthand that navigating your life and your marriage after an affair is very difficult. This is true even when your husband declares his love for you and begs you not to leave him. However, when he drags his feet about ending the affair or refuses to reaffirm his commitment to you or the marriage, that process is doubly difficult.

No one can blame you for wanting the tiny reassurance that he would choose you and end the affair. Because trying to save your marriage and get on with your life when the other woman is still in the picture can feel quite impossible. No one wants to willingly sign up for that. There is nothing wrong with wanting this incredibly difficult process to be just a little bit easier by getting her out of the picture.

How To Untangle Yourself From This Dilemma: There is a chance that very soon, your husband will tell you that he’s sorry that he hesitated and that he chooses you. However, there is also a chance that he won’t bring it up again and just hope that you drop it. If this is the case, you’ll need to decide if you want to push him on this or if you just want to play this differently.

Let’s think to think about it logically. The ultimatum is really meant to accomplish a couple of things – you want reassurance that the affair is over. And you want to know that he values you and your marriage more than he values the other woman. By offering these confirmations, he gives you some reassurance that what you are dealing with is not as bad as it could be.

However, if this doesn’t play out correctly and he continues to hesitate, then not only do you not get what you want, but now he is the one who has the upper hand. To avoid that, it might make sense to let him bring up the ultimatum. Continuing to press him when you are unsure of his answer is a risk. Let him come to you. If he doesn’t, then you can wait, but while you are doing so, you can make it clear that his emotional and physical access to you is limited.

After all, if he can’t offer you these simple assurances, then why would you want to be available to him? He will quickly get the hint and this may encourage him to stop hesitating and to give you the reassurances that you are looking for.

His hesitation is not the end of the world. But you don’t need to be available to him until he does make the correct choice. If he can’t or won’t, then he won’t have the benefit of your working with him to move forward. After all, if he can’t confirm that the other woman is out of the picture, you may be in a holding pattern until he can. From watching this play out with other couples, it is extremely hard to recover if you are unsure that she is out of the picture and that he is making your marriage a priority. In my opinion, you are better off waiting for this confirmation than in trying to go forward without it.

Don’t worry. There is plenty that you can do for yourself in the meantime. If it helps, you can read my story of recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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