Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Few faithful spouses are fully satisfied with their spouse’s behavior after an affair. Sometimes, he’s not sorry enough. Other times, he is indignant, clueless, or uncaring. Some husbands refuse to show much of anything. Others have very strong reactions and behaviors. Regardless of how they behave, wives usually dislike at least some of it.

One less common example that a wife can take exception to is passivity. And because this issue is less common, wives can worry that they’re wrong to be put off by it.

A wife might say, “I’ve always liked my husband’s assertiveness. He goes after what he wants – which is the exact opposite of me. He’s a go-getter and I am much more subdued. I’ve always kind of lived vicariously through him in this way. I see his assertiveness as a very masculine feature to which I am drawn. But this masculine go-getter of mine had an affair and showed this feature to someone else. Ever since I caught him, his personality has changed. Now he’s suddenly shut down and borderline passive. He defers to me now and I, too, am a very passive person. So now we have two people who can’t make up their minds and who are quiet little mice. I know that this is a very petty complaint. I know I should be complaining about his accountability, level of sorrow, and transparency. We’ve had issues with some of these things, but I have to be honest and say that he does appear to be really trying. I can’t pretend he hasn’t been trying to do what I ask. But I’m not sure how to ask him to go back to his regular self. I don’t know how to articulate it without sounding so petty.”

I don’t think it’s petty. But I do think there may be a reason that he’s suddenly passive. And I also think there’s a way that you can bring it up in a positive manner. I’ll discuss all of these things below.

Why a Man May Change Parts of his Personality After the Affair: Although passivity is a less common change, it’s not uncommon to see personality changes after an affair. Often, the man perceives that this part of his personality is problematic or perhaps suspicious so he wants to tone that part of himself down. In this case, the wife sees his aggressiveness as a masculine trait. And chasing women can also be seen as masculine. So perhaps this husband doesn’t want his wife to see him as the aggressive go-getter who pursues what he wants when it comes to women. 

He may also think that his passivity is just being agreeable, and he may assume that, since he’s already on thin ice, it is to his benefit to be agreeable to a fault. He may want to give you as much of what you want as possible – not realizing that this is not what you want.

How to Tell Him the Passivity is a Pass: You probably don’t want to come right out and tell him that he’s become a spineless mouse. That would only make him defensive. Wait for a time when he once again defers to you and says something like, “I miss how you used to make quick decisions and pursued what you wanted. You don’t have to think that you need to defer to me all of the time. I know that’s not who you are. You don’t have to pretend otherwise. I’m asking that you are honest, trustworthy, and rehabilitating. But I’m not asking you to completely change who you are.”

He may be relieved at this, or he may try to tell you that he wasn’t consciously trying to change everything. The truth is that he may not realize that he is doing this because he’s just trying to tread lightly. 

Understand That Both of You Might Have Careful Behavior:  It’s normal for both people to be on measured behavior after the affair. No one wants to make things worse or make another mistake. Many faithful wives describe this period as “fake” or “inauthentic.” The faithful spouse can become harsher than is normal for their personality, while the cheating spouse can become softer to try to be accommodating. These changes aren’t always permanent. As healing begins and things calm down, personalities can eventually return to normal.

Important Perspective:  I know that you are annoyed by his behavior in more ways than one, but try to remember that he may have changed because he thinks it will make you more comfortable or happier. Once you make clear that it hasn’t, hopefully, it will be a smooth change back. It’s very important to ask for what you need because no one is a mindreader, and husbands generally aren’t that great at guessing or at knowing exactly how we feel. My husband definitely changed parts of his personality after his affair.  And it went on for longer than I wanted.  But part of that was because I didn’t speak up and some of that was because it took some time to heal.  Today, we are both much closer to the true version of ourselves. You can read more about our rehabilitation at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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