Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I hear from a good amount of conflicted women who are dealing with infidelity in their marriage.  Some of them have just found out about the cheating or the affair.  And others have known for what feels like way too long.  One thing that they have in common, though, are fluctuating feelings that either aren’t clear or that change.

At times they may feel as though there is no possible way that they can maintain their marriages.  They feel too much pain, too much damage, and too much anger.  They don’t see any way back from this horrible place, no matter how much they might like to change things.  They brace themselves for a divorce.  They may start to inform family or friends.  They will tell themselves that their mind is made up.

Until something happens that makes them question this.  Perhaps they have a decent day with their spouse.  Perhaps something happens that brings back thoughts of the old bond or of the old feelings.  Whatever the case, many wives find themselves with fluctuating or confusing feelings that swing wildly.

It might be explained this way: “I honestly never thought my marriage stood a chance after my husband’s affair.  I was so enraged at him.  I do not want to be married to someone with low morals and no integrity.  I’ve worked very hard in my marriage to be a good, faithful spouse.  Goodness knows, I could have cheated if I had wanted to.  Men show me attention all of the time.  But I was committed to my husband – for better and for worse.  And I could not see staying with someone who didn’t share that commitment.  My husband swore that it was a one-time thing, but I wasn’t willing to listen.  I honestly was sure that I was done with him. But things have changed a little for me.  Last week, my husband had minor surgery.  For my children’s sake, I took him to the hospital and to keep an eye on him, I let him stay with me.  (He’d been staying with his mother since I found out about the affair.)  Well, that night a bad storm rolled through and the power went out.  My husband was in pain, so I stayed with him and we just talked and talked.  The electricity was out, so we were stuck in the dark with only candles and we talked and laughed all night long.  I saw glimpses of the man that my husband used to be.  And oddly, seeing my husband in this vulnerable state, I felt the anger just drain out of me.  Since that night, I’ve started to feel some stirring of feelings for my husband again.  But then after a time, I will feel the anger bubbling up again.  My feelings swing back and forth.  It has got the point where I don’t know what I feel anymore.  We see each other often because of our children.  Will my feelings for him become more clear to me?  Will it take long?”

The Progression Of Feelings Can Be Gradual: I can truly only guess here.  But most of the time, yes, your feelings do come more clear.  Here is why.  In the beginning, you have no way to know how your husband is going to act going forward.  You have no way to know if he is going to make good on his promises or if he is going to disappoint you again.  Moving forward though, his behaviors, his actions, and his intentions become more clear.  Eventually, this can make you feel more safe in allowing the feelings to surface.

At first, we are all in self-preservation mode and we are oh so angry.  Loving or emphatic feelings can not really survive in this environment.  And if they should surface, we tend to push them down, deny them, or tell ourselves that we had a momentary lapse of weakness.

As time goes on, though, and we see our husband follow up on what he’s promised, be sincere in his actions, and show concern for us or our children, sometimes we can not help but remember the man who he was before the affair.  And frankly, we loved that man.  It’s unrealistic to think that the love just goes away.

Separating The Mistake From The Person: It’s my opinion that sometimes in the aftermath of the affair after healing has started, some women are able to separate the deplorable act of an affair with the decent and loving man who had it.  When this happens, the loving feelings can return.  And the marriage can be saved if those feelings are nurtured and combined with healing.

Things become more clear when the loving feelings start to overtake the angry / bitter feelings or vice verse.  There often comes a point when you find that one set of feelings are getting stronger while the opposite set are getting weaker.  As this goes on for a longer and longer period of time, that’s how you know that those feelings are real and can be trusted.  I hope this makes you feel better.  But yes, in most cases, the more time that passes, the clearer your true feelings become.

In my own case, the loving feelings won out because my husband turned out to be very sincere in all of his promises.  And I was able to separate the man from the act.  There was no denying that I loved the man.  We healed our marriage and I have never regretted it. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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