Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from women who are completely torn about how to treat their husbands after discovering an affair. You’d think this would be straightforward—he cheated, so of course you’re angry—but in reality, it’s a whole lot more complicated than that.

The truth is, you’re probably feeling a hundred different emotions at once. Anger. Resentment. Sadness. Confusion. Some days, you’re furious at him. Other days, the other person. Sometimes, you even find yourself turning that anger on yourself.

And then there’s the part no one really talks about: you might still love your husband. Deep down, you might still crave his affection and reassurance. That’s a confusing place to be, because while part of you wants to reach for him, another part wants to push him away.

I often hear wives say: “I’m so mad at him that I end up lashing out. But later, when I calm down, I regret it. I really do want to save my marriage, but lately it feels like all I can give him is negativity. That’s not who I want to be, but I can’t seem to stop myself.”

If this sounds like you, I want you to know—your feelings are completely normal. Your emotions will probably swing from one extreme to the other for a while. This isn’t a sign you can’t cope or that you’re failing at healing. It’s just part of the process. And yes, there are things you can do to get some control back.

Try Not to Let Your Anger Be the Only Thing Driving Your Actions: One thing I’ve learned from my own experience, and from talking with so many others, is that a lot of our reactions in the early days come from fear.

Yes, you’re angry. And you have every right to be. But underneath that anger, there’s often fear and uncertainty. You’re scared your life will never be the same, and you’re not sure if you can ever get back to a healthy place.

When fear and anger are driving the car, you can end up in “reaction mode” instead of “decision mode.” That’s when it feels like your emotions are in control and you’re just along for the ride. It’s exhausting, and it usually makes you feel even worse.

One way to break the cycle is to figure out what you really want right now. If deciding the future of your marriage feels too big, break it into smaller steps. Maybe your first goal is simply to stop feeling like a constant victim. Or maybe it’s to feel less angry at yourself.

Once you know what you want, check yourself before you react. Ask: “Will this get me closer to my goal, or further away?” If you’ve decided you want relief from constant anger, then your actions need to align with that. Even small pauses in the negativity can make things feel lighter.

When You Don’t Want to Treat Him Badly, But You’re Just So Angry: Many wives tell me they swing wildly in how they treat their husbands. One day they’re trying to be open and receptive. The next, they wake up furious and can barely look at him without resentment.

This is also normal. But it can be draining and frustrating. When you feel yourself spiraling or about to lash out, take a break. Literally.

I used to tell my husband, “I’m feeling really angry right now, so I’m going to take a walk.” Sometimes, he’d offer to come with me, but I knew that wouldn’t help when I was in a low mood, so I’d insist on going alone. That time apart helped me cool down and kept me from saying things I’d regret.

And here’s something important—you have a right to your anger. Especially in the beginning. No one expects you to smile through betrayal. The key is knowing when it’s time to start letting go of some of that anger, because holding onto it forever will keep you stuck.

Be Proactive, Not Just Reactive: When you notice yourself slipping into a reactive state, pause and redirect. Ask: “Is what I’m about to say or do helping me get where I want to go?”

If you say or do something you regret, own it. You can be honest and say, “I was feeling overwhelmed and angry, and I didn’t handle that well.” Most spouses will understand, because ultimately, they created the situation you’re both in.

And if you feel yourself losing control, it’s okay to walk away for a bit. That’s not weakness—it’s you taking care of yourself.

It Can Get Better: There was a time when I believed I would never get over my husband’s affair. But I did. In fact, my marriage is stronger now than it was before.

It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of work, and I had to be deliberate about my choices. But through it all, I rebuilt my self-esteem to the point where I no longer worry he’ll cheat again.

If you want to read my personal story in detail, you can find it here: http://surviving-the-affair.com