Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: Some wives dealing with the aftermath of an affair may describe themselves as “overtaken with resentment.”  As an example, a wife might be dealing with a husband who confessed that he’d had a year long affair. The wife didn’t even begin to see this coming and was completely blindsided and devastated. For the past year, she had really been struggling. She had moved out for a few months and had even talked to an attorney about a divorce, but what had become clear to her during this time period was that she absolutely did not want a divorce.

And, she was caught off guard by this because she was so angry and resentful toward her husband. But, every time she thought about divorcing him, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.

She might say, in part: “For whatever reason, I must love him because I’ve found that I really don’t want to divorce him. But, I can’t live like this either. I am so filled with anger and resentment that I can’t even interact with him in a positive way anymore. I know that this is no way to save a marriage, but every time I look at him, I just feel disappointment. What in the world can I do?”

The wife’s situation is not at all uncommon and there was no reason for her to be angry with herself. She most definitely had a right to her feelings and they were completely understandable. However, she had to find a way to loosen their grip on her because she just wasn’t at all happy or at peace with the way things were. I will share some tips that might help before.

Why This Wife’s Resentment Over The Affair Was Common And Understandable: First of all, the wife seemed pretty angry with herself for still feeling resentment after all of this time. But she’s being way too hard on herself. She was forgetting that she did nothing to deserve having her entire life altered by one person’s actions (which she had no control over.) One morning she woke up thinking that she knew what her life entailed, but by night fall, she was to question everything she thought she knew.

If this isn’t having the rug pulled right out from under you, then I don’t know what is. And, unless you have been through this yourself, it’s difficult to understand how very painful this is. You feel as though you don’t know what’s real and that you no longer have your bearings. And you often very much resent feeling like a victim. All of the wife’s feelings were justified and understandable.  There was no reason to beat herself up about feeling the way that she did. Nor did she need to try to suppress the feelings. Letting them out helps you to deal with them. This didn’t mean that she needed to take the resentment out on her husband because this wasn’t working either (and was really only making things worse.) But, journaling or talking to a counselor or trusted friend might help her to release these feelings once and for all.

Often, Getting Your Needs Met And Seeing Some Improvements Will Begin To Lessen The Resentment: In situations like this, its relatively easy to see where the anger is coming from. This wife didn’t feel as though her husband was really sorry for having the affair and she didn’t feel that he had done enough to fix the situation. Basically, the wife just felt like the husband was trying to pretend that none of this had happened and he just wanted for things to get back to normal as soon as possible.

So, the wife was angry that nothing was really changing and she was just expected to carry on without any meaningful change or rehabilitation. This really isn’t fair to ask of anyone. And, rather than continuing to be angry about this, the wife had the option of speaking up. Admittedly, it can feel unfair to have to spell out what you need and want to happen after the affair, but sometimes this is the only way to get those things.

One option is to approach your husband when you can both could be calm. She could consider telling him that the anger was tearing her up inside and she was well aware that he didn’t enjoy it, either. She could stress that she no longer wanted to live this way. She could tell him that she wanted to be happy and at peace again but she needed for some things to happen for this to be possible. The wife could then spell out the things she wanted such as the husband stressing that he really was sorry and the husband working with her to rehabilitate the marriage.

Often, husbands in this situation express that they are willing to do just about anything to make things better. Many of them know that this is all their fault and they really do want to make amends. But, they just don’t know what to do or say and they know (and can plainly see) that you are angry and resentful. So, sometimes, they wonder if they wouldn’t be better off to just not burden you with any further discussions about the affair. It’s usually not until you spell things out for them that both people begin to get more of what they want.

Honestly, restoring your marriage to a happy and peaceful place is usually a sure way of getting rid of that resentment. When you can get to a place where the affair is no longer coming into play (since you’re more focused on your own marriage that is in the present) then you’ll sometimes find that you no longer want to look back and cling to those negative feelings that were holding you hostage.