Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who tell me, often with shame in their voices, that they thought they’d “be over” their husband’s affair by now. I’ll get emails that say things like: “It’s been years, and I’m still angry. I’m still hurt. I still can’t let it go. What’s wrong with me? Will I ever move past this?”

If this sounds familiar, please know that you are absolutely not alone. These frustrations show up again and again from women who want badly to heal but just… can’t. And that stuck feeling can be terrifying because you assume it means you’ll feel this way forever.

The good news is: being stuck right now does not mean you’re doomed to stay stuck. Often, there are specific reasons you can’t move forward yet – and once you identify them, you can begin to work through them. That’s what I want to explore in this article.

1. Many Wives Are “Stuck” Because They Don’t Believe Their Husband Is Truly Sorry: One very common theme I see is the wife feeling like her husband isn’t remorseful enough. I’ll hear things like:

• “He’s sorry I found out – not sorry for what he did.”

• “It’s like he wants me to just accept his apology and move on.”

• “Sometimes I think he actually blames me.”

But here is what I hear when I speak with the husbands:

• “Of course I’m sorry. I wish I could undo it.”

• “I’ve apologized so many times. She doesn’t believe any of it.”

• “How long do I say sorry before it stops mattering?”

So you have one person who doesn’t feel believed and one person who doesn’t feel genuinely understood. Neither feels heard.

Often this issue becomes so loaded that both people avoid it altogether. But avoidance keeps you stuck exactly where you are. Sometimes the only way forward is to spell out, clearly and calmly, what you still need from him, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable.

Temporary discomfort is far easier than living in permanent emotional limbo.

2. Many Wives Stay Angry Because It Feels Like There Were No Real Consequences: Another very common frustration is the feeling that the husband “got away with it.” I often hear things like:

“So he cheats, says sorry, and suddenly everything is supposed to go back to normal? How is that fair? If I had done this, he’d never forgive me.”

But husbands often see the situation very differently. Many will tell me:

“She thinks I haven’t paid for it, but I pay every day. I see the hurt in her eyes. I see the disappointment. That’s my consequence. That’s what I wake up to.”

You have one person who feels deeply wronged…
And another who feels he’s living with a permanent reminder of his mistake.

Both perspectives are valid – but neither leads to healing if nothing changes. At some point, the resentment becomes so heavy that no one can move forward.

This is why resolution – not punishment – is what ultimately brings peace.

3. Many Wives Can’t Move On Because Nothing Has Actually Changed: When I ask women in this situation what progress has been made since the affair, I often hear:

“Nothing has really changed. We never rebuilt anything. We never created anything new.”

And if nothing has changed, how can the feelings change?

Healing from an affair almost always requires creating a new marriage, not trying to resurrect the old one. That means new communication, new habits, new emotional safety. Yes, it’s work. Yes, it might feel awkward at first. But it is also the path toward finally being able to look forward instead of backward.

Because the truth is this:
The best way to let go of the anger from the past is to build a future that feels secure, connected, and worth protecting.

When you are focused on building something you both feel good about, you stop feeling the need to revisit the pain again and again.

You Are Not Broken. You Are Waiting for Something Real: If you’re still angry years later, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or unforgiving. It usually means:

• You weren’t fully heard

• Your needs weren’t fully met

• Real change never occurred

• Or the hurt was never addressed with the depth it required

Once those pieces fall into place – once you feel understood, valued, and safe –  the anger often begins to dissolve naturally.

You don’t have to force yourself to “get over it.”
You only have to give yourself what you genuinely need to heal.