I’m Very Mean And Nasty To My Husband After He Cheated On Me. I Can’t Seem To Stop.
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who have very understandably had strong, negative reactions to being cheated on by their spouse. Sometimes, these negative reactions contribute to negative behaviors that most people can understand. After all, when you are this angry with someone, it’s only common sense that this is going to be reflected in the way that you treat or interact with them. But, although this is understandable, additional problems can arise when this sort of treatment becomes a habit. Because at that point, not only is your marriage struggling to recover from the cheating, but it is also struggling to overcome the new nasty treatment, which although justified has made the marriage even more unbearable.
Common comments concerning this scenario are things like: “my husband cheated on me two months ago. It has been eight weeks. And I am still so angry that I can not concentrate on anything else. I can’t seem to get control over my fury. As a result, I am so nasty to my husband. Sometimes, I cringe when I hear the things that come out of my mouth. I will tell my husband that he looks like an ape because of all of the hair on his chest. I will make comments about his sexual performance because I want for him to think that he’s a bad lover so that he doesn’t have the courage to try to cheat again. I will let him know that his actions have negatively impacted our children every chance that I get. I tell my husband that he should be making more money. And I never pass up the opportunity to tell my husband that my friends have better marriages and better husbands. I guess I am trying to make him feel as badly as I do. But deep down, I know that this is one hundred percent wrong. Most of the time, I want to stop. But I can’t seem to. I just respond to my anger and these things pop right out of my mouth. I don’t want for my children to hear their mother making these types of comments about their father. I don’t want for them to grow up in this type of household. How can I force myself to stop this?” I will address these concerns below.
Clear The Air And Let Your Spouse Know That You Are Aware Of Your Behavior: I understand that it is very tempting to just hope that your behavior goes unnoticed and pray that no real harm is done until you can eventually move past this. But I know from my own experience that this usually isn’t the best strategy to take. I believe that it is best to just go ahead and lay this out on the table. Tell your husband that you are well aware of your negativity. You can even be very honest and tell him that you don’t like or endorse your behavior and truly do want to stop, but you are having a very difficult time over coming your anger. Tell him that you feel justified in your anger but you don’t want to allow it to create a hostile environment for your children. Then, ask him to bring your attention to it when you say something nasty that hurts him.
That way, you are held accountable and you will realize how often you are doing this. It’s also more likely that you will make a very distinct effort to stop if and when you know that you will have to face your behavior every time that you engage in it.
Train Yourself To Pause Before You Speak: I can honestly tell you that its normal to have these nasty thoughts about your husband. Until you and the marriage heal, they are likely to continue. It’s very important to understand that it’s going to be difficult for your marriage to heal if you are always stirring things up with comments. The key then, is to leave the comments in your head and to not allow them to escape out of your mouth.
I realize that this can seem to be impossible, but it isn’t. You have to train yourself to do it though. Be very diligent to notice your thoughts as they come into your head. Then pause before you speak. Another very good habit to get into is to journal your feelings as they come. Some people tell me this is impractical but there are journaling applications that you can get for your phone that have password protect on them. Since very few people are without their phone for extended periods of time, the impractical excuse isn’t one that I see as valid. When you know that you have somewhere else to express your feelings and your anger, then you are going to be less likely to lash out at someone else verbally.
There are also applications that you can get to record the number of specified things that happen in a day. This will allow you to track your progress and to see what types of things might set you off. I know that this entire process has been painful. I believe that you have every right to your anger. But it is important to release it in a constructive way so that it doesn’t continue to damage your marriage or your family.
Believe me when I say that I understand this anger as I had it myself. But I too had to find constructive ways to deal with it before I could heal. If It helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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