Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives dealing with the devastating aftermath of an affair. And one of the most common but heartbreaking questions I hear is this: “What if he really loved her? It almost looks like he is mourning the loss of her.”

If you’re asking yourself this question, I want you to know you’re not alone. So many wives ask this same question, and what you’re feeling is valid. It’s incredibly painful to imagine your husband having real feelings for another woman, especially when you’re trying to hold your marriage together and make sense of what just happened.

So, let’s have a look.

Why This Question Hurts So Much: When your husband cheats, you’re already reeling from the betrayal. But when you start to suspect — or he even admits — that he may have had real and concrete feelings for the other woman, it adds a whole new level of heartbreak.

Some wives have told me, “If it were just sex, maybe I could eventually move on. But if he loved her, how could I ever compete with that? How can I even move past that?”

I completely understand that. It feels like a deeper kind of rejection. Not just of your body or your routines, but of who you are as a wife and as part of your marriage.

The “Fantasy Bubble” of Affairs: Here’s something I want you to know: affairs almost always happen in a bubble. They exist outside of real life — no bills, no kids throwing tantrums, no laundry piling up. They’re built on secrecy, adrenaline, and emotional escape. And that can make the feelings inside that bubble seem very intense, or to the surprise of no one, like love.

Your husband may have convinced himself he had “deep feelings” for the other woman. He may have told her he loved her. Or he may have told you he loved her, and you’re now haunted by those words.

But here’s what I want you to consider: just because something felt intense doesn’t mean it was real love.

Affairs create the illusion of emotional connection because they’re designed that way. They’re exciting. There’s risk. There’s validation. The other person sees only the version of your husband he chose to show. She doesn’t see him when he’s sick, angry, stressed, or struggling.

So yes — he may have felt something. But that doesn’t mean he experienced a love that was stronger, deeper, or more meaningful than what you two built together over years of shared history.

Even “Real” Feelings Don’t Mean He Wants to Leave You: Another fear I hear from wives: “If he loved her, does that mean he’ll always wonder what could have been?” Possibly, at least for a little while. But that doesn’t automatically mean your marriage can’t recover.

Sometimes men do develop feelings during an affair, but when the bubble pops — or they think they do. When reality sets in, many come to realize that those feelings weren’t based on anything sustainable. They start to see the flaws in the other woman, or the guilt starts eating away at the fantasy. And they begin to crave the stability, loyalty, and depth that only their marriage ever gave them.

In fact, I’ve heard from women who say: “He swore he loved her, but after a few months, he admitted it was nothing compared to what we had.”

Sometimes, They Want To Believe They Love Her To Justify Her Cheating: Sometimes, a man will convince himself that he “loves” the affair partner to justify his actions. After all, if she was “special,” or he was “in love,” then that would be justification for his behavior now.

What You Can Do Right Now: If you’re stuck in this painful loop of ruminating on whether he loved her, here are some things you can try:

1. Don’t obsess over his “feelings” — focus on his actions. Is he staying with you? Is he remorseful? Is he open to rebuilding? Those behaviors will tell you far more than anything he might have said during the affair.

2. Don’t Let Yourself Compare: It’s tempting to ask, “Was she prettier? Younger? Funnier?” But this road only leads to self-doubt and pain. The truth is, affairs are rarely about the other woman being “better.” They’re more often about how the man felt about himself in her presence. Sometimes, it is also about availability.

Love can be rebuilt: Even if your husband did have real feelings during the affair, that doesn’t mean he can’t reconnect emotionally with you once the affair fog wears off, especially if there’s still trust to be restored and emotional needs to be met.

Don’t let his confusion define your worth: Your value as a woman and a wife isn’t based on how confused your husband was during his weakest moment. You are still you, and you still have the power to decide what happens next.

Should You Ask Him Straight Up How He Felt About Her?: This is a personal decision. Some women need to know in order to move forward. Others realize that digging too deep only prolongs the pain.

If you do ask, be prepared for him to be unsure, inconsistent, or even evasive. Many men genuinely don’t understand what they were feeling at the time. They’ll say things like: “It felt real, but now it feels like a fog.” Or “I thought I cared about her, but I was just escaping everything.” Or  “She was just… there. It wasn’t about her. It was about me.”

Those statements don’t make it better, but they can help you see that what you’re comparing yourself to wasn’t a true, grounded relationship. It was a moment in time, often wrapped in shame, guilt, and fantasy. Sometimes, he really is trying to tell you the truth, rather than making excuses.

Understand this: If your husband had feelings for the other woman, it doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is over, or that you weren’t enough. It could mean that he got lost. And now, he may be trying to find his way back.

Whether or not you let him is up to you. You have every right to take your time, to ask hard questions, and to rebuild trust on your terms.

But please don’t carry the weight of comparison on your shoulders forever. You are not the sum of someone else’s fantasy. You are a whole, complex, valuable woman. Never forget that.

You CAN heal. There was a time when I never thought I could. But I did. I accepted nothing less than true healing. And I am still married as a result. You can read more about that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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