Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Many people believe that they are “home free” in their marriage once they hit retirement age. Most believe that their biggest worries will be their health and their finances, both of which they can hopefully manage. They’ve seemingly survived the biggest stressors for marriage – the birth and adolescence of their children, the threat of midlife crisis, and the financial crunch that comes in the early days of your lives together. Very few people anticipate struggling with infidelity once they reach retirement age. Many are surprised to learn that this milestone can be a stressor that puts you at a higher risk for infidelity.

Someone might say, “I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I said that we couldn’t wait until we retired. We very carefully scrimped and saved. We made many sacrifices so that we could move to our ideal location and do precisely what we wanted to do. We always viewed retirement as the promised land. We have kept ourselves healthy so that we could enjoy this. I have honestly been counting down the years. Well, we have only been retired for about six months. And now I found out that my husband has been cheating on me. He cheated on me in this same community that we fantasized about. He claims he is desperately sorry. He says that we can heal this. But now our new home, and our new life, is ruined for me. As far as I know, he has never cheated on me throughout our entire marriage. At least that is what I thought. I don’t understand why he would cheat now. Is my husband the only man who gets to the most wonderful time in life and then ruins it?”

Believe it or not, many specialists count retirement age as a somewhat dangerous time for a marriage. This seems counter-intuitive because this is a time of life where many couples assume that they can finally relax. However, there are many factors during this time period that put you at risk. I’ll like some below:

A Loss of Daily Structure Can Be Dangerous: Most of us fantasize about being able to quit our job and having no work-place obligations. How wonderful it will be to just allow our days to unfold as they will. However, we often underestimate just how important structure is to our lives. When we have no real, repetitive plans to fill our days, we can become adrift. People who experience this void often do not confide in their spouse. Instead, they assume that they are the only person experiencing this troublesome issue. So they say nothing, not wanting to drag their spouse down with them. This creates a sense of isolation, which is yet one more risk factor for infidelity.

Bodily Changes During Retirement: Unfortunately many bodily changes crop up during this time period, some of which have sexual side effects. Spouses may have different levels of desire. Women may be suffering from menopausal symptoms and men may have occasional impotence. This can cause awkwardness and feelings of frustration that are often hidden from a spouse, with the intent to spare them any discomfort. This, too, can create more distance between you.

New People / New Opportunities: Often couples move or develop new circles of friends in retirement. This means that your spouse may be exposed to new people, which obviously opens up a whole new pool of temptations if your spouse is already vulnerable.

Insecurities And Facing Immortality: Perhaps the biggest stressor in this time of life comes when people face their own aging and immortality. When you are retired, you begin to see acquaintances and loved ones become ill and even pass away. This makes you face down your own aging and immortality. For many, this is devastating. Some people want another chance to cling to their youth or their own vitality. And for some, an affair is the way that they will attempt this.

Considerations In Recovery: Recovering from an affair is never easy, but there are some additional considerations when you are retired. You’re more likely to spend more time with your spouse, since you may no longer be working full time. This can either be a blessing or a curse. When you are so angry with your spouse that you can’t stand the sight of him, this won’t be easy. But if you are open to one day saving your marriage, you’ll need to spend a lot of time together to rebuild. This is easier when you have more time available. It will also be easier to keep an eye on your spouse when he has no place he needs to be for eight hours each day, as was the case when he was employed full-time.

Ultimately, whether retired or not, it’s going to be up to the faithful spouse as to how she wants to proceed. For some, an affair is a deal-breaker from which there is no return. Others want to live out the rest of their years with their lifetime partner, even if this means that a difficult rehabilitation is ahead. My spouse and I were younger than retirement age when he cheated, but how we recovered may be helpful to all ages.  You can read about that at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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