Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are looking for possible motivations for a cheating spouse. Sometimes, the cheating spouses themselves are asking this question because they don’t quite understand what would drive them to risk a good marriage and a loving spouse to cheat. Other times, the question comes from the faithful spouse because they have been given an excuse that they are now questioning. An example of the excuse given is that of self sabotage.

An example of this type of concern from a faithful spouse is something like: “I found out last month that my husband has been cheating on me. He didn’t tell me about it. I caught him instead. He left his phone on the dining room table and the woman he was cheated with texted him. I was able to text her back with my husband’s phone in order to get the details. My husband scrambled when I confronted him. He said that he would end the relationship immediately. I wanted him to end the relationship. But I wasn’t sure that I wanted to stay married to him. I wanted to know his motivation for this. His excuse is that it was self sabotage. He says he messes things up for himself all of the time because he doesn’t think that he is worth anything. Is this a reasonable excuse? Or is he lying?”

From the cheating spouse, common concerns are things like: “I have no idea why I was stupid enough to cheat on my spouse. I had a good marriage. I love my wife. I have honestly never been happier. And then I have to go and wreck it. I always do this. When I get something good in my life, I always find a way to ruin it. Sometimes, I think that I must not deserve to be happy. Am I self sabotaging myself?” I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Why I Believe That Self Sabotage Is A Plausible Explanation For Cheating: As a spouse who has been cheated on, it’s sometimes a challenge for me to remain objective about excuses given for cheating. However, I do get some correspondence on my blog and I can tell you that this is an extremely common explanation. It’s also very common for people to exclaim that their spouse is actually far superior in terms of looks and behavior to the person with whom they cheated. So the only explanation that they can come up with is that they didn’t feel worthy of their spouse and cheated with someone who was more like themselves with whom they felt a little more worthy or equal.

I have come to believe that most people who offer up this excuse are sincere. And often, if you look closely, you really will often find a pattern of self sabotaging behaviors. So I don’t think that this excuse is one that is without merit. But that’s where my agreement ends.

Why I Don’t Think Self Sabotage Is A Valid Excuse For Cheating: While I understand why self sabotage could be a contributing factor for cheating, I am unwilling to go so far as to accept it as an excuse. Why? Because we can all make a choice when it comes to our actions. When you cheat or have an affair, you have to make a series of choices in order to carry it out. You will often hear people say things like “I never intended to cheat,” or “it just happened.” But, in my opinion, cheaters often have several chances to choose another path before they actually cheat.

Think about it for a second. By the time someone actually has sex with someone else, think about how many times they probably have stepped over a line. Much of the time, they first flirt with the other person. Then, they spend more time than is appropriate with the other person. They start exchanging a series of phone calls and texts. There might be casual touches or encounters before anything sexual happens. Regardless, there are usually many chances that a cheater will have to say to themselves “maybe I’m starting to cross a line. I need to put a stop to this before it gets out of hand.” But they don’t do this. Instead, they jump over the line and they cheat. And they should be willing to own up to their own actions and choices. Because make no mistake. Cheating is a choice. Yes, self sabotage can nudge you toward this choice. But you are the one responsible for making it.

So to answer the question posed, yes I do believe that self defeating behaviors like self sabotage can be contributing factors toward a tendency to engage in risky behaviors like cheating. But I don’t believe that there is a valid excuse for cheating. That doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage and move past this if you want to. But part of recovery should be addressing this tendency toward messing up happiness. Because if you don’t address this, it will keep coming up.

When I first found out about my husband’s affair, he offered up all types of excuses.  But I made it clear that I saw these words only as invalid excuses.  I was very clear on the fact that he needed to own his own behavior.  Once he accepted this, the excuses stopped.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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