Is It My Fault My Husband Had An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from women who tell me that somehow, they think their husband’s affair was their fault. They tell me that they think they probably didn’t pay enough attention to him. Sometimes, they buy their husband’s arguments that they neglected him or let themselves go. Or, they figure they should have taken care of business better in the bedroom. They beat themselves up and figure that this was all their fault.
I very much understand these self-defeating thoughts. There was a several-month period when I had them myself. It’s easy to blame yourself because it gives you an easy target. But I vigorously maintain that it is most definitely not your fault if your husband has had an affair. I don’t care how the state of your marriage was. And I don’t know what your husband is telling you. To me, in no circumstances is someone else’s actions ever another person’s responsibility or fault. I will discuss this more in the following article.
By No Means Is Your Husband Cheating Or Having An Affair Ever Your Fault: I honestly can not tell you how often the wife will automatically and immediately place at least some of the blame onto herself. They’ll say things like “I was paying so much attention to our kids.” Or “I wasn’t giving him enough sex.” Or “I was spending so much time at work or school that he felt neglected.”
Believe me when I say that I’ve heard all sorts of comments like this. And while I understand that any of these things can put a strain on your marriage, none of them, in my mind, are justifications for cheating or having an affair. I’ve even had men tell me that their wives didn’t have sex with them on any sort of a regular basis and had pretty much shut them out.
Frankly, because of my research for my blog and because of my own situation, I do a lot of research on the mindset of men who cheat. I dialog with many of them. But none of the justifications that they give me convince me that they were justified in their cheating or that their wife was to blame.
Every One Has Choices In Life. A Man Who Chooses To Cheat Or Have An Affair Has Made A Choice. In No Way Is This Choice His Wife’s Fault: I do understand that there are plenty of things that would tax a marriage and make it very tempting for a husband to cheat. Looking back, many wives know that the marriage was vulnerable, and they are quick to blame themselves for this or at least take responsibility for it.
I do understand that this can make things difficult for both parties in the marriage and that it’s sometimes very easy to act on these frustrations even when you are not looking to have an affair or to cheat. With that said, there is always a choice. You can typically look back and always see other options that were available.
For example, the husband certainly could have told the wife he was seriously struggling and that something needed to change swiftly and dramatically. He could have suggested counseling. There are a number of other options that were not taken. I’m not trying to point an accusatory finger at husbands who cheat. I know that they sometimes feel justified. But I would like to point out that there is always a choice and, worse than this, it’s not showing much integrity to blame someone else for your own choices. Not only this, but this is usually quite a bad choice when you are asking your wife to forgive you or to help you save your marriage.
Why The Blame Game After The Affair Is A Game Where Both Spouses Will Lose: Here’s the thing that I wish people would understand. It honestly doesn’t matter who is at fault when an affair happens. Pointing the finger or shifting the blame doesn’t do anyone any good at all. It only creates more anger and more defensiveness. The truth is, once the affair is out in the open, the questions should focus less on who is to blame and more on “How can we fix this in a healthy way where we can both still maintain our dignity?”
I understand that the anger surrounding an affair will often make it tempting to figure out who is at fault. But this only keeps the anger going, and it really doesn’t get you anywhere. What usually works better is when both people are willing to take responsibility for their role in the health of their marriage. There is usually plenty of blame and fault to go around.
But if both people take responsibility for fixing it rather than placing blame, you will often see a much better result, much more quickly. Finding the person who is most at fault really only pushes the two of you further away from one another. If you can find a way to get on the same page (even if you don’t end up staying together), this will often facilitate faster and more lasting healing.
For a long time, I blamed myself for my husband’s affair, but eventually, I figured out that this wasn’t helping me, and I changed course. My marriage survived. My self-esteem is back. You can read more about that process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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