Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives hope for a cheating husband who makes a near-fool of himself to get in her good graces after an affair. In reality, many wives get much less than this. Many get husbands who are stand-offish, distant, and cold. Unfortunately, many husbands are LESS demonstrative and affectionate after they’ve been caught cheating or having an affair. Understandably, this can make a wife feel unattractive and undesired.

She may wonder whether this unfortunate turn of events has anything to do with her husband’s affair. She may confront him about this and be confused at his answer. Someone might explain it this way: “Honestly, before my husband’s affair, we had a decent physical relationship. We had regular sex and my husband always complimented me on my appearance. Our friends would tell us to get a room and comment that my husband couldn’t keep his hands off me. Unfortunately, a couple of months ago I learned about an affair. He immediately cut it off when I confronted him. I never considered leaving. We’ve simply been together too long and through too much to throw that all away. I believed him when he said he was sorry. I believed that we could heal our broken marriage. However, our recovery has not been as seamless as I’d hoped. My once loving husband now holds me at arm’s length. He has not complimented me on my appearance once since I caught him cheating. He has not made one physical overture toward me. I always have to be the one to initiate any contact. And frankly, sometimes he turns me down as if I am unattractive. Instead of looking at me with lust, he looks at me with indifference. I confronted him and asked if he found me unattractive. He said that he doesn’t find any women attractive right now. He said that guilt about the affair kills any libido he may have had. Is this a valid excuse? I look exactly the same as I did three months ago. Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is his faithfulness and apparently, his guilt. ”

I will let you decide if the guilt excuse is a valid one. But, I can tell you that it is a very common excuse. I’ll explain more below.

Shutting Down What Hurts. Just for a second, imagine yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Being burned by something sometimes makes you want to shut that thing down. In this case, he was burned by reacting to his physical desires. So, it can make sense that he wants to shut down that part of himself for a while. Sometimes, this doesn’t seem logical, but that doesn’t mean that you can help it at the time. After I was in a car accident, I hated driving. I did everything in my power to avoid it. Intellectually, I knew that the chances of a repeat accident were no higher than before. I knew that I had to live my life and that meant driving. Still, this knowledge didn’t stop me from physically recoiling and feeling panicked every time I got behind the wheel. I didn’t want to feel this way. I needed and wanted to drive. But for a while, I could not stop the involuntary physical reactions. Your husband may be experiencing a similar reaction.

Working On Healing Your Marriage Will Help With Attraction: Honestly many issues such as this one are just going to come with healing. And healing takes time. Right now, your husband believes that he has ruined everything. He cannot envision a time when everything is going to feel okay again. So he feels extreme guilt and even self-hatred and he turns that inward. He probably doesn’t feel that he deserves to feel any pleasure, especially with you. However, as he begins to see that it is possible to make things right again, the internal self-loathing will start to fade. And he will begin to allow himself life’s pleasures again, including physical intimacy with you.

It is very important to have a plan for such healing. It often just doesn’t happen on its own – no matter how long you may wait for this to happen.

Maintaining Your Self-Worth While You Are Waiting: Because of my own experience with this, I know how easy it is to feel unattractive right now. Keep reminding yourself that there is NOTHING different about you, your looks, or your magnetism. You are right. The difference lies in your husband’s mistake and now in recovery. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that this is somehow your fault or that you are not good enough. Do whatever is necessary to maintain your own confidence and pride. If you let these things slide, then the affair has stolen even more away from you. You don’t deserve this. Hold onto to self-love with both hands. Don’t surrender the wonderful person you know yourself to be. If it helps, you can read about how I maintained my own self-esteem here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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