Is It Possible To Overanalyze An Affair?
It’s natural to have countless questions after you learn that your spouse has had an affair. Why did he do this? How did he hide it from you? Is he remorseful? Will he do it again? Does he have a character flaw that means he can’t be faithful? Was this your fault? What can you do to ensure that this doesn’t happen again? Do you even want to save your marriage?
These questions are just the tip of the iceberg. Unfortunately, sometimes when your husband attempts to answer one question, this new information will inspire even more questions. You might find yourself analyzing your husband’s psyche and his behavior. Or your analysis may turn toward your marriage and yourself. Needless to say, this process can become quite exhausting. Your husband may openly bristle at your constant attempt to find the answers to questions that he’s repeatedly addressed. As a result, he may tell you that you are overanalyzing things.
A wife might explain, “I admit that I am constantly examining my husband’s behavior and his answers to my questions. Although I learned about the affair over two months ago, I still constantly ask him questions. Sometimes, I ask him the same questions over and over again. I do this for a couple of reasons. First, I have caught him in lies this way. Second, I’m not always satisfied with the answers that he gives me. So I’m trying to give him a second chance to get his answer right. For example, he will often describe the reasons for his affair in very vague terms, almost like an alien took over his body or something. He makes it sound as if he doesn’t really know exactly why he cheated. Who has so little self-awareness? We went to counseling for a while, but that has tapered off. My husband feels that all the talking just meant that we were going in circles and that we were overanalyzing the affair. Is there such a thing? I didn’t like our counselor either, but I have no problem with getting to the bottom of why this happened.”
The Danger Of Being Unable To Move On: I know that my answer might be surprising since I am also a wife who has dealt with an affair. But I DO think it is possible to overanalyze the affair, although I would never discourage counseling. Here is why: I see so many wives who say that they so badly want to move on from the affair. But for whatever reason, they end up ruminating instead. We have all done this. It’s so easy to continue to ask the same old questions. It’s so easy to read psychology books and articles about serial cheaters or narcissists and then wonder if our husband fits that mold even if he’d been a good husband before one mistake.
Perhaps more importantly, I do not believe that it is possible to get all of the answers. I believe that some husbands are being truthful when they tell you that they aren’t 100% sure about why they cheated. Frankly, people who are struggling with self-awareness are EXACTLY the people who are ripe for cheating. This lack of self-awareness is merely a continuation of what was probably already present and what likely contributed to the affair.
Nonnegotiable Answers: With the above said, there is information that you have a right to know. You need to understand exactly what you are dealing with. To that end, there are some questions that should have very straight-forward answers. For example, there should be no ambiguity in providing information on how long the affair lasted or how it was carried out. It should be very simple for him to recount how they met. He should easily tell you when, how, and why the affair ended. He should be honest about whether he blames you or your marriage for any of this. He should tell you straight-up if he’s attempting to justify his behavior. This information is important. Ideally, it will allow you to see the behaviors and patterns that you want to watch out for in the future.
Tricky Answers: Things gets tricky when you’re asking about his feelings and his motivations. A man who has an affair is typically a vulnerable man who is struggling. A man who has a firm grip on his motivations is less likely to cheat. The fact that he did cheat indicates that self-awareness is not at an all-time high for him.
That’s why it can be counterproductive to continue to ask him the same questions and to repeatedly attempt to analyze him when you are not a therapist or psychiatrist. This process can frustrate you both. Worse, his fluctuating or unsatisfactory answers can lead you to believe that he is lying when he isn’t. Likewise, he can begin to believe that no matter which answers he gives you, they will always be wrong in your eyes.
Moving Forward When You’re Still Unsatisfied: How to move forward when there are still unanswered questions can be a daunting question. In my own experience, I just got very tired of always feeling hopeless. My journal was full of the same old things. Our conversations seemed to be on repeat.
With the blessing of my therapist, I decided that I would table some of the same repetitive issues so long as my husband was doing what I asked and demonstrating trustworthy behavior. So long as he was engaged in our marriage, coming straight home, going to counseling, and being completely honest and accountable, I stopped continuously asking the tricky questions that I mentioned above. He’d already tried to answer them over and over. And I decided that it was more important for us to heal than to keep going in circles.
Then an interesting thing happened. As we healed, the questions and the analysis became pretty pointless. It was a relief to let this go.
That is why I believe that you CAN get to the point where you overanalyze the affair. I also think that you likely intuitively know if you are at this point. If you can think of little else and feel as if you are just going in circles with no real progress, then you might want to make a deal with your husband that you will pause the analysis as long as he is showing accountability, rehabilitation, and motivation toward healing. You can read about how this worked for me on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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