Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are trying to decide if they want to attempt to stay married after their husband cheats or has an affair. As many women today make their own money and don’t really need a man to support them, it’s easy to wonder if there is any decent reason to stay with a man who has cheated on you or made a mockery of your marriage vows by having an affair.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband cheated on me last year by having an affair with my assistant. I actually make more money than him. Our children are in college and grown. I’m not dependent on him financially or for my happiness. I was talking about this situation with my friend the other day and she said ‘why in the world would you stay married? Because you don’t need him for money or for the kids anymore, so why would you want to stay with a man who cheated on you?’ I wasn’t sure how to respond to this or to answer these questions because I realized that she was right. What incentive do I even have to stay married to this man? Am I stupid to even consider staying with him?”

I don’t think that it’s at all stupid to hesitate to walk away from your marriage. Now, I do admit that many people stay in marriages after infidelity because of money, security, or because of the children. But, these are not the only valid reasons to stay married after an affair. There are others which I will discuss below.

Healthy Reasons To Stay Married After An Affair (Even When You Don’t See An Immediate Reason To Stay:) Aside from money or children, I believe there are some reasonable and healthy reasons that people chose to stay together after one of them cheats or has an affair. The first and most common is usually that the love is still there. Yes, someone has made a grave mistake by cheating, but this doesn’t automatically mean that the feelings disappear in a sudden vapor.

Another reason that people choose to stay married is because they respect (and want to make good on) their marriage vows. They vowed to stay married through good times and in bad and, although this is one of those bad times, they reason that this doesn’t mean that they should just abandon their spouse because the road got rocky.

Finally, some people vow to not make an immediate decision, which means that they stay in the beginning and then they wait and see what happens. They aren’t sure if they want to (or even can) make their marriage work after the affair, but they want to make the commitment to see it through to determine if there is a chance that the marriage can be saved. If not, at least they will know that they tried their best and didn’t make a snap decision that they might later regret.

What To Anticipate When You Decide To Try To Stay Married After An Affair: As someone who went this route myself, I can tell you that not everyone may support your decision. Like the wife above, you might find friends openly questioning your decision or thought process. And this can be quite painful and can make you feel a little naive or stupid.

But what you have to remember is that, although these folks likely do mean well and think that they have your best interest at heart, this is not their marriage or their life. It is yours and no one else’s. You have to make the decision or take the course of action which feels right for you at the time.

There may be days or even weeks where you will question your own decision. This is normal. The process of staying married or rebuilding your marriage after an affair is not an easy one by a long shot. But if done correctly, you are sometimes rewarded with a marriage that is much better than what you started with. And in the process, you will often learn an awful lot about yourself, your spouse and your marriage.

That’s not to say that there will not be days when you won’t be absolutely furious at your spouse, fed up with your life, and asking yourself what you are doing here when you’re the one who did nothing wrong. But it can important to always put yourself and your own happiness and needs first. It can help to ask yourself which path is going to make you the most likely to be happy. The options are often starting over again with your spouse or deciding to be alone for now with the knowledge that you might eventually rebuilding with someone new.

This is not a decision that anyone can make but you, but I wrote this article to show you that there are some very legitimate reasons to stay married after your husband cheats or has an affair. And you really don’t need to apologize to anybody for these. This is your life so you get to make these decisions. What is right for someone else may not be right for you and vice verse.

Here’s something else that people may not tell you or realize. You can certainly change your mind at any point during the process. You may well initially feel that you want to save your marriage but might determine later that it just isn’t possible. Or you may not want anything to do with your husband and your marriage only to later discover that you miss him and want to give your marriage one more try. Nothing is set in stone and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind as your feelings change.

After my husband’s affair, I did not see many legitimate reasons to stay married, especially at first. But with time, I came to realize that I really did not want to just walk away. At first, I just stayed because of my children. But eventually I stayed because of myself and our marriage is very solid today. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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