Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Dealing with a cheating spouse isn’t easy, no matter the circumstances. However, some wives feel strongly that their experience is worse than that of others. These wives have a husband who is seemingly so obsessed with the other woman that he refuses to listen to reason. Many of these wives theorize that they are dealing with limerence, and they want to know if this means they should handle their husbands differently.

Someone might say, “One of my best friends know what I’ve been going through with my husband’s affair. She bought me a book about limerence. This book is not specifically about infidelity. It mostly focuses on obsessive relationships. However, it listed so many attributes that apply to my husband and the stupid way that he reacts to the other woman. So I’m wondering if he’s experiencing limerence and whether this is common with intense affairs. If so, how does this affect the way to best handle it? I’m not sure what I want to happen with my marriage, but I know that my husband is acting like a fool.”

Some affairs most definitely reek of extreme limerence, and this can influence the best way to approach it, which I’ll discuss more below.

What Is Limerence And Why Are Men Ripe For Affairs More Likely To Be Influenced By It?: “Limerence” is a phrase that was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence.” As you might suspect, limerence is an intense obsession and infatuation with someone else, usually in the early stages of a relationship. Some who experience it believe that it is love, but it differs in important ways, which I’ll get to a little later.

Men who enter affairs are particularly ripe for limerence because they are often attempting to escape their regular lives, whether they realize it or not. They’re often vulnerable in some way – whether they’re grappling with aging, struggling self-esteem, or feelings of rejection.

So they are already looking for escapism or somewhere in which to lose themselves. Then along comes someone who is welcoming, encouraging, and complimentary. Certainly, these husbands are going to want to place that person on a pedestal. Of course they want to see only the good in that other person. They want to engage in any behavior that will keep the good feelings going.

So these husbands are already programming themselves not to remain firmly rooted in reality or logic. As a result, they’re even more vulnerable to limerence.

How Are Limerence And Love Different From One Another?: Legitimate and true love is much more selfless than limerence. Someone who genuinely loves another person cares more about the other person’s happiness and well-being than his own. However, the same person experiencing limerence cares most about getting the affection or desired reaction from the other person. It’s a means to an end.

The pursuing person will often see the love interest (known as the limerent object) as perfect and without deal-breaking flaws. In other words, they view the relationship (and the other person) through a veil of infatuation rather than reality. In a truly loving relationship, they are fully aware of the other person’s flaws, and they love deeply anyway.

Limerence also tends to generate somewhat stressful emotions, whereas real love is calming. The person “in limerence” is always worried that the other person doesn’t feel the same way or that something is going to go wrong with the relationship. There are often insecurities and mind games in limerence. But in a mature and loving relationship, there is confidence in a solid, lasting foundation.

Of course, someone in the middle of this type of relationship may wholeheartedly believe that they are in love. They won’t listen to anyone who tells them otherwise. And although troublesome signs may be extremely obvious, they’ll often be ignored.

How To Handle An Affair Fueled By Limerence: Wives who suspect they’re dealing with a particularly difficult situation are mostly right. Many wives say they’d rather their husbands claim, no matter how insincerely, that the affair meant nothing than to declare that it means absolutely EVERYTHING. How can one even compete in this situation?

It’s most definitely tricky. If you try to play hardball or point out the fact that your husband is acting like a mid-life crisis fool, he’ll feel more isolated and defensive and he will cling to the other person that much more passionately. He’ll think that it is the two of them against all the haters. Don’t fall into this trap. Because there is a real danger that although the relationship is merely infatuation now, it will grow into more simply because it wasn’t allowed to fizzle out. For whatever reason, the circumstances allowed the affair couple to cling to one another.

That said, your first priority should be YOURSELF. Quite frankly, when your spouse is in this sort of trance, it’s going to be nearly impossible to reach him or to talk any sense into him. It may also be maddening to watch him walking around with his head so high in the clouds when none of this is real.

It can seem so obvious to you and to everyone else, but he’ll refuse to see it initially.

That’s why your best bet is to take care of you. Figure out what you need. Prioritize what you can control. Seek individual counseling if you can. Find loving support from extended family and beloved friends.

If you need to distance yourself for your own mental health, give yourself permission to do just that. Your well-being is one thing over which you have some control. Take full advantage of that.

Make sure that you are conducting yourself with dignity and that your behavior is above reproach. Do not give your husband any reason to vilify you or to mischaracterize your marriage.

With any luck, there will come a time when your spouse begins to snap out of his limerence. And the signs are fairly easy to see. It becomes clear that the relationship is loosening his grip on him. He’s more receptive to listening to and communicating with you.

At that point, it’s up to you if you have the patience and willingness to try to pick up the pieces, provided he provides you with what you need to make it all worth it. (And assuming that you’re both willing to do the work so that your relationship will not be vulnerable again.) That is a determination that only you can make.

I know that a limerent affair is maddening. But frankly, all affairs are. While waiting for better days, do everything in your power to care for and improve yourself. That way, when your husband emerges from his fog, you will be in a stronger position to deal with whatever may come. Some husbands snap out of this and beg for forgiveness.  And others are indignant.  Either way, your strength can only serve you.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I know that it’s hard.  But you have a right to get through this.  And some wives successfully save their marriages after an affair, assuming that this is something you decide that you want.  There is no right or wrong decision.  There is only what is right for you.  If it helps, you can read about how I got through the affair at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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