Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most of the people who reach out to me are the cheated on. They’re trying to rebuild, heal, and restore their self-esteem. 

Occasionally, though, I hear from the unfaithful spouse who desperately wants to make things right. They’re looking for guidance on how to confess their infidelity, convey their profound regret, and ultimately salvage their marriage. While what you say (and don’t say) is very important, your actions are just as vital. I’ll explain in the following article. 

Before Opening Up About the Affair, Ensure You’ve Made Things As Optimal as Possible: It’s crucial not to confess to infidelity while the affair is ongoing or while you’re still uncertain about your commitment to your spouse and marriage. 

Putting something like this on your spouse is bad enough, but it’s a million times worse when the affair isn’t over or you are unsure if you’re ready to end it. Before you even consider coming clean, make sure the affair is totally over, there is no more contact whatsoever, and you understand why you cheated and have a plan to fix whatever is broken.

If you can’t meet the above-mentioned standards, you are better off waiting until you can. Do not present your spouse with a larger problem than need be.  

Ideally, you want to show that you are ready to take immediate action and promise your very sincere commitment to your spouse, with prompt and complete rehabilitation. 

Taking Full Accountability for the Affair and Choose Your Words Wisely: As the one who cheated, it’s on you to take full responsibility for your actions and not to make excuses for what you did. 

This is the moment to be a responsible adult and accept blame for the situation you’ve created. It’s human nature to feel defensive and tempted to offer justifications when emotions run high, and accusations fly. 

However, making excuses or suggesting that the affair was a result of your spouse’s shortcomings will only exacerbate their anger.

The reality is, that you’re responsible for your choices and behavior. While your marriage might not have been perfect, no marriage is. You made the decisions that led to this point, and now it’s time to make full and complete amends. 

Have ruthless integrity, stand up, and fully admit your mistakes. Doing so will hopefully help your spouse understand that you are serious and sincere. 

Choose your words carefully. Lead with your regret and stress your undying and unwavering commitment. Don’t hold back your honest emotions. Your spouse needs to see that you feel them. 

Acknowledge your spouse’s pain and let them talk as much as they want and react however they want. This may be painful for you, but you owe it to your spouse to let them have their complete and total say – even if the tone is as angry as you’ve ever seen them. 

Make sure you stress that you know it is your responsibility to make this right and never ever insinuate that your spouse was in any way to blame or needs to be responsible for rebuilding. 

Approach Details With Extreme Sensitivity: Your spouse is going to have questions and is going to want details. Use extreme caution here. Your spouse doesn’t need to know the gory details that will only cause pain, but they do have a right to know the basics – who, what, when, where, why, how long, and who knew. 

Make sure your answers place the blame squarely on your own shoulders and no one else’s. Do everything in your power to preserve your spouse’s self-esteem. 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Understand that your spouse isn’t going to blindly believe what you say. You’ve betrayed them. You’ve lied to them. So of course they are going to be skeptical of what you have to say. They would be naive not to. 

That is why your actions must be above reproach. You must demonstrate your commitment to and love for your spouse through your behaviors and not your words. 

Show, don’t tell. Your words are empty. Your actions matter. 

Your spouse may well lash out at you. Your spouse could even kick you out or refuse to talk to you.  

That is when you’ll need to be patient, reassuring, and affectionate. Offer to get whatever type of help your spouse is comfortable with. Be prepared to stand by your spouse no matter what they say or do. Always remember how difficult this is for them and strive to be as loving and supportive as possible.