Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I mostly hear from betrayed spouses. But I also hear from a surprising number of people who were the ones who had the affair — and who now desperately want to save their marriage.

They often say things like:
“I messed up — I know that.”
“I want to fix this, but everything I do seems to make it worse.”
“She doesn’t believe anything I say anymore.”
“I’m trying to move forward, but I keep getting pulled back into the past.”

Here’s the thing I want them to know (and yes, I do try to help because helping them ultimately helps the faithful spouse.) Cheating spouses can become part of the healing. They can rebuild trust. They can find their way back to a real, solid marriage, if both partners are eventually willing.

But they often make some very common, very human mistakes in the aftermath of the affair. And sometimes those mistakes, while unintentional, create even more damage.

If you’re someone who had the affair, or if you’re the betrayed spouse trying to make sense of your partner’s behavior — this list might bring some clarity.

Here are some of the most frequent mistakes cheating spouses make once the truth is out, and why they often backfire.

Wanting the Pain to End Too Quickly – Before You’ve Earned It”

Most cheating spouses hate seeing the emotional wreckage their actions have caused. They see their spouse sobbing, numb, or filled with rage, and they want it to stop. Not necessarily because they’re selfish, but because they’re ashamed, panicked, and overwhelmed. And frankly, this reaction is understandable.

So they say things like:

• “Can we just stop talking about this already?”

• “I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?”

• “You’re never going to let this go, are you?”

But here’s the problem: the betrayed spouse is still bleeding. The wound is fresh. And trying to rush healing usually slows it down — or stops it altogether.

What actually helps? Patience. Reassurance. And creating emotional safety again, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Withholding the Full Truth:

Some spouses try to minimize or withhold details — not necessarily to deceive again, but because they think the truth will only cause more pain. They might say things like:

• “Telling you the whole story will just make it worse.”

• “It doesn’t matter how many times we talked or what we said — the point is it’s over.”

• “I don’t remember the details. Can’t we move on?”

But here’s the reality: a betrayed spouse can usually sense when they’re not getting the full truth. And that “sixth sense” — even if it’s subtle — can block trust from being rebuilt.

Trying to “protect” your spouse by filtering the truth often has the opposite effect. It leaves them spinning, guessing, and re-living it all over again.

Being transparent doesn’t mean emotionally dumping every detail at once. But it does mean answering hard questions with honesty, especially if your spouse specifically asks.

Staying Emotionally Disconnected:

After the affair, some spouses go into shutdown mode. They might feel tremendous guilt, shame, or fear, and instead of leaning into connection, they pull away.

They might:

• Seem distant or numb

• Avoid talking unless absolutely necessary

• Get angry or defensive when emotions come up

And the betrayed spouse is left thinking:
“You shattered my world — and now you won’t even be present with me?”

What most betrayed spouses want, more than perfect answers or grand gestures — is emotional availability. They want to feel that you see their pain. That you care. That you’re still in it with them.

That doesn’t mean you have to have all the right words. But shutting down or emotionally ghosting your partner in the middle of this storm sends the message that you’re not safe or invested.

Comparing the Betrayed Spouse to the Affair Partner:

This one might sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how often it happens — sometimes even accidentally.

Some cheating spouses try to “explain” how the affair happened in a way that sounds like comparison:

• “She just made me feel heard.”

• “It was easy with her. There was no pressure.”

• “I didn’t feel judged or criticized.”

Even if it’s not meant to be a comparison, this kind of language can devastate the betrayed partner.

They’re already wondering:

• Was she prettier?

• Was she more exciting?

• Did you love her?

What they need to hear instead is accountability, without pointing fingers or romanticizing the affair. They need to know you see the choice as wrong, not as some emotional “need” that your spouse failed to meet.

Failing to Show Ongoing Reassurance

Once an affair is discovered, trust isn’t just broken — it’s obliterated. That means even normal behaviors can now feel suspicious:

• A late meeting

• A glance at a phone screen

• A random “I’ll be home soon” text

Cheating spouses sometimes roll their eyes or get frustrated when they feel constantly watched or questioned. But here’s the truth: you can’t rebuild trust without giving reassurance — again and again and again.

If you’re serious about healing the marriage, you’ll need to:

• Be where you say you’ll be

• Offer transparency without being asked

• Check in more than you think you need to

Eventually, trust can be rebuilt — but it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Expecting the Marriage to Just “Go Back to Normal:”

Sometimes, once the dust starts to settle, the cheating spouse just wants things to be “like they used to be.”

They may say:

• “I just want us to be happy again.”

• “Can’t we just go back to how it was before all this?”

But here’s the hard truth: the old marriage ended the moment the affair happened.

That doesn’t mean the new marriage can’t be healthy, meaningful, or even better. But it will be different. It has to be — because trust, honesty, and emotional intimacy are being rebuilt from the ground up.

Trying to skip that rebuilding process only stalls real healing.

If you were the one who had the affair, I know how overwhelming this all can feel. You’re probably carrying guilt, fear, and maybe even disbelief that you let things go this far.

But here’s what I always tell people: what you do after the affair often matters just as much — if not more — than the affair itself.

You can’t rewrite what happened. But you can influence what happens next. Your transparency, your consistency, your willingness to sit in discomfort, and your ability to show up with real remorse and empathy — these are the things that will tell your spouse whether or not they can trust you again.

And if you’re the betrayed spouse reading this? You’re not crazy for needing more time. You’re not weak for wanting to understand. And you’re not wrong for hoping, as long as your spouse is truly willing to do the work.

No one walks away from this kind of heartbreak unchanged. But with honesty, humility, and daily effort, some couples do walk forward, together. I did. I wanted nothing to do with my husband after I found out her was cheating. But, in time, I did the work. And he most certainly did. And we are still married today. You can read more about that entire process at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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