Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who started an affair or a cheating relationship with no intention for it to cross an emotional boundary. In other words, it can be only about sex, or having fun, or creating a diversion.  Unfortunately, both people aren’t always in agreement about this. One person can remain distant while the other person can get attached. When both people don’t agree to the boundaries or one of them falls in love, this can cause a serious problem and an intense dilemma.

Common comments are things like: “I am sorry that I ever started messing around with my personal trainer. I never meant to cross the line, but I really needed to lose some weight quickly. So I spent hours at the gym and we started working side by side very closely. My husband was actually very supportive of this because he knows how it important it is to me to look my best. I never intended to start an affair. But it happened. It has gone on for about four months. I never thought about my intentions with this. I never thought that this was going to be a lasting thing and I’m pretty sure that I’m not in love with the other man. But the other man is claiming that he is in love with me. I don’t get it because he’s younger than me and could get someone much better looking. But now he’s trying to get me to leave my husband to be with him. I don’t think this is going to happen. I’m committed to my husband. I could never make it financially on my own. And I never intended to hurt anyone. What can I do?”

How to proceed from here had to be this wife’s decision to make on her own. However, I could offer her some insights and some considerations to think about. I will share those below.

If You’re Not In Love With The Other Person And You Don’t Intend To Take The Relationship Any Further, You Probably Have An Obligation To Just Be Honest: I understood that this wife never looked toward the future when she acted and began a relationship with the other man. This is true in many cases. Often, it is the woman in the relationship that wants more while the man (usually the cheating husband) wants less while never intending to allow the additional relationship to affect or end his marriage.

I often find that people seem a little shocked when the other person proclaims their love. Perhaps this shock stems from the fact that it’s often an implication that the relationship is never going to go beyond something secret and temporary. But I often find it interesting to think that this is a situation where people are going to sleep together and engage in intimate acts and then assume that over time, it’s still going to mean nothing. The point is, you can’t necessarily blame the other person for developing feelings over time. Both of you may have gone into it thinking that there would be no strings attached, but it’s actually very common for the feelings to intensify as time goes on.

If you truly don’t believe that the relationship can go anywhere (and why would it if your marriage is important to you,) then it’s my belief that you have a moral obligation to be upfront and honest. Of course you don’t want to hurt anyone. And you don’t want to appear to be cruel. But I think that it’s more important to be honest than to try to spare feelings. Even more important, if you are not honest as soon as this crops up, removing yourself from this situation might actually become more difficult as the other person becomes more and more attached.

A suggested script might be something like: “I’m a little surprised to hear you say that. I’m certainly flattered. But now that I’m hearing this, it’s apparent to me that this isn’t healthy for us. I can’t take this relationship any further because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I realize at this point that I need to retreat and focus on my marriage. I’m so sorry that I dragged you into this. It’s not fair to you and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. It was my mistake and I was wrong to involve you. I hope that you understand.”

It’s probably unrealistic to think that the other man isn’t going to be hurt by this. He likely believes that he has real feelings and he may feel rejected or he may perceive that you lead him on in some way. Notice though, that I phrased the above very carefully. I didn’t even bring up any romantic feelings or insinuate that feelings of “being in love” were in any way reciprocated. I also tried to make it clear that no blame was being assigned.

The idea is that you are kind and direct, but that you take full responsibility for your actions and you hope that the other person is well in the long run.

What you want to do about your marriage is up to you. But this wife was pretty clear on the fact that she was committed to staying with her husband. So once the affair relationship had ended, that was precisely what she should do.

Luckily, I don’t think there were any romantic feelings in my husband’s affair, although I do believe that with work, anything can be overcome.  Recovering from the affair is can be difficult, but if you take it one step at a time, it is possible and it is often worth it.  If it helps, you read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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