Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There is a perception from folks who had never had to deal with marital infidelity that people who cheat or have affairs aren’t really all that sorry (except for when they have been caught) and don’t really learn the moral lesson that they should learn.

Although I used to have a lot of similar preconceived notions towards people who have cheated, I’ve come to realize that my opinions on this weren’t completely accurate.

From the correspondence that I get, I have come to believe that many people are deeply and desperately sorry about their cheating or their affair. And many of them do come to understand very deep truths about themselves or about their marriages.  Unfortunately, many come to deeply value their marriages only when they realize they have put them at risk. This is the great irony and heartbreak of the whole thing.

For example, I might hear from a wife who said: “I am so ashamed and sad to admit this, but I never appreciated my husband as much as I should have. He grew up right down the street from me. I have known him for my entire life. For the longest time, I just saw him as the boy with the freckles who was a great pitcher when we would play baseball. I didn’t give him a second glance.  And we were friends for many years before anything romantic happened between us. Even as my friend, I could always count on him. When he became my boyfriend and later my husband, he was always steady, dependable, and supportive. He never let me down. But at the time, I was very stupid. I mistook his steadiness for being boring. I got tired of him being ‘too nice.’ And so I started flirting with this man at my job. I told myself that this flirting was harmless and only gave me an outlet so that my marriage would be a little happier. This may have worked, except for the other man wasn’t happy to just accept harmless flirting. He wanted more. And when I didn’t automatically give him more, he started pursuing me. I resisted at first, but eventually, I gave in because I just couldn’t resist. I told myself the affair would be very short and then I would break it off. But the other man became so needy that every time I would try to break it off, he would do something to make me stay. In the middle of this, my mother became ill and had to be hospitalized. My job doesn’t offer a lot of flexibility. So I could not be at the hospital as much as I liked. But my husband could be. And he was. The other man actually came to the hospital when my husband was there and that is how my husband found out about the affair. Even after my husband knew everything, he still went to the hospital to be with my mom saying: ‘my respect and love for your mother has not changed. I’ve known her all my life and I won’t abandon her because of something that isn’t her fault.’ That is when I realized how stupid I am. My husband is the highest quality person I have ever known. I had the best husband in the world and I have potentially ruined it. A couple of times, I have gotten up my courage and I’ve asked my husband if he is going to leave me and all he will say is that we have too much going on right now to make any decisions. Yet, he remains respectful to me. I am so mad at myself and so sad at potentially losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. How could I have been so stupid? What can I do now?”

Your situation perfectly demonstrates the great irony that so many of us have lived through. Many of us truly do not know what we have until it is either gone or at great risk of being lost.

You can not change what has happened. You have to take responsibility for it and then make it your primary goal in life to make things right again. You’re lucky that your husband is still around and committed to not making any sudden decisions. (Many spouses leave rather quickly.) This may give you an advantage, but it’s very important that you don’t take advantage of your husband in any way.

You now realize what a wonderful person and gift he is, so treat him exactly like that. There is nothing wrong with sharing your realizations with him, but understand that he may doubt what you are saying. I was the faithful spouse in my own marriage and when my husband said things like: “I took you for granted. I realize now that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” I scoffed at him.  I heard his words, but all I could think were things like: “well you weren’t thinking about how great I was when you were sleeping with someone else.”

If you truly want your spouse back, you must be patient and understanding when they struggle or feel angry. Honestly, you must vow to stick it out, even when they are cold or even insulting. You must realize that they are worth the wait.

My husband did stick it out. I said and did some pretty awful things because I was so angry that he cheated. He refused to give up, though. Eventually, I realized that no one would stick around like he did if he did not truly love me and think that I was worth the effort. And that made the difference for me. Perhaps it will make the difference for your husband too. My husband told me that if I gave him another chance then I would never regret it. And I never have.

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