Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that most wives who catch their husband having an affair want him to be remorseful and repentant. They want him to be angry at his own behavior and disappointed in himself. A husband who acts counter to this is walking on dangerous ground because it shows a disregard for the severity of his mistake.

Even worse, some husbands don’t just hide their remorse, they actually become somewhat indignant or even conceded about the affair. A wife might say, “honestly, my husband does not seem the least bit remorseful after I caught him cheating on me. Instead, it’s almost as if I should be impressed by his actions – or at the very least, it’s almost like I should forget about them. The other day, my husband was complaining about his boss because he has been asking my husband to cover for him when he is out with his mistress. My husband said this behavior demonstrates why his boss is a bad person. Never once did my husband connect the dots that he too is a cheater. By his own definition, he too would be a bad person. Yet, he has never once lowered himself to apologize to me. He acts as if I need to make something up to him. He acts as if he is the wronged party. Anytime I try to bring up the affair or our recovery from it, he acts as if I am dragging out old news or that I am determined to make our lives miserable. Believe it or not, I don’t enjoy being unhappy. But I can’t pretend that his behavior is anything but deplorable. And I resent that he acts as if other people are always at fault while being high and mighty about his own behavior and self-importance. If he wasn’t my husband, I would call him a jerk. What is the best way to handle this when I’m painted as an instigator when I try to initiate a discussion?”

Looking At Your Options: Honestly, I believe the best way to handle it would be to allow a counselor to pin him to the wall. You can’t recover without having these conversations and without insisting on honesty. But, if you allow a counselor to insist on these things, then you are in the clear. Let a professional be the one to demand that he see reality. This keeps your hands clean and you will get the reckoning that you need and deserve.

If he refuses counseling, there are self-help books that you can work through. And you can still play innocent when you get to the parts of the book that demand accountability.

But what I believe you should not do (based on my own experience) is allow him to wiggle his way off the hook and to paint you as the aggressor when you only want what you deserve. Allowing this sleight of hand will leave you frustrated and resentful. What most wives in this situation truly want is a husband who is self-aware and remorseful enough to come to the table willing to do the work toward recovery. That said, sometimes it is human nature to try to wiggle out of your responsibilities or to try to walk away from the mess that you have made (assuming that you can get away with it.)

Addressing His Behavior Without Going To Battle: It is up to you to decide if his behavior and stance are acceptable to you. If they are not, you have to figure out a way to communicate the same without going to war over it because in that case, he might shut down completely. You have to be careful that you don’t allow him to paint you as unreasonable when all you are asking for is what is fair.

So, figure out his own currency. He hasn’t left this marriage. He’s posturing, which means that he still cares enough to try to gain the upper hand so that he is comfortable while remaining in the marriage. The next time he asks something of you, tell him that you will comply just as soon as he completes the self/help, goes to counseling or is willing to talk about and work through the aftermath of the infidelity. There has to be something that he wants for which he is willing to trade for his cooperation. Find that thing and then respond with your offer of trade.

Do not raise your voice. Do not act as though you are scolding him. Simply state your terms and then re-iterate that you want your lives to return to a normal, happy place, but such a move is not possible without responsibility and rehabilitation. It is better if you don’t bitterly argue or use force. Just keep repeating what you need and then pleasantly offer up his currency when he complies. Before long, he will realize that you aren’t trying to repeatedly punish him and you are not asking for the impossible.

When he sees that you are not only reasonable, but that complying with your requests makes life easier (and happier) for everyone, he will hopefully give up the high and mighty act and get down to the business of repairing your marriage with mutual respect and cooperation.

If it helps, I think that most husbands take this approach because they are embarrassed and they are trying to save face. He’s likely fully aware that he is being a jerk, but he’s hoping to get you to accept less than you deserve because that feels a lot more comfortable to him. But, if you accept this, then the discomfort will shift to you, which is unfair and hurtful. Unfortunately, the faithful spouse often has to learn to advocate for herself to get what she needs. I know that this is difficult.  My husband tried this early-on, but I was never going to accept it.  You can read about how we worked past the affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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