Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most common topics that I’m asked about is sex after infidelity. People often want to know when is the appropriate time to resume your sex life after one spouse cheats. It helps if both people agree to a time frame that feels right. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, one spouse is ready far before the other one. And unfortunately, sometimes the spouse who is ready will try to pressure the reluctant spouse which unleashes a whole new set of problems.

A wife might share: “my husband came to me a couple of weeks ago and told me that he had a short-term sexual affair with an old girlfriend. He assured me that this happened because he was drinking and that he regretted it deeply. He said that our marriage is the most important thing in his life, which is why, although he knew that I would be angry, he told me the truth. I appreciate him being honest, but I’m still beyond furious. I don’t want for this to end my marriage, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be possible to save something that he has jeopardized.  Now, my husband is making sexual advances toward me, but I can’t even think about having sex with him because I can’t get the mental image of him and his ex out of my mind. I am not in any hurry to have sex with him, but he continues to pressure me. And part of me thinks that if I won’t have sex with him, then he will go out and find someone who will. What should I do?” Although I couldn’t answer that question for her, I could offer her some things to consider. I will share those things below.

It Is Your Right To Determine If And When You Want To Have Sex: I completely understood this wife’s reluctance to have sex with her husband. When he has had sex with someone else, then the last thing on your mind is having sex with him. This is perfectly normal and natural. And you have no reason to apologize for this So if you were looking for someone to tell you that you are justified for being reluctant to freely have sex with a cheating husband, I say that you are completely justified. Of course, this is only someone’s opinion. But it is the opinion of someone who has been there.

Why You Should Not Allow Him To Pressure You Into Anything: I am fully aware that many wives in this situation have an almost daily tug of war. On the one hand, the thought of being intimate with him isn’t a welcome one at the time. On the other hand, you begin to worry that if you don’t, someone else will be more than willing to accommodate him or that your marriage will suffer as the result.

But here is the thing. If you allow yourself to be rushed, you are going to feel resentment and that will be more damaging than anything to your marriage. Also, when you are having sex only because you are pressured into it, then you are not likely to have a good experience. And when people have a bad sexual experience after infidelity, then they start to worry that the passion is gone or that the marriage can’t be saved.

You are much better off waiting until you can be sure that the time is right and that you are both enthusiastic about the process. (And believe me when I say that you will both know when the time is really right.) When you allow this to happen naturally, you will often have a good experience. In fact, people often tell me that when they hold off until the time is right, they have mind-blowing sex that is worth waiting for.

How To Handle Your Husband When He Was Unfaithful And Is Pressuring You For Sex: If you’re unsure, it’s very important that you just be honest. Because if you aren’t very direct and honest, then your husband will have no incentive to back off and then you will just have to deal with this for longer than necessary. So you will want to deal with this as soon as possible. The next time he pressures you, then you might want to say something like: “I know what you’re thinking right now. But I have to be honest with you. I’m just not ready for sex right now. I still have a lot to process and we both have a lot of healing to do. I think it would be a mistake to rush into something that doesn’t feel right. If things go wrong, it could damage our marriage any further. I’m not rejecting you. Nor am I saying that I will never want to have sex with you. I am just saying that, right now, the time isn’t right. I would rather wait until I am completely sure so that we have an awesome experience. It would mean a lot to me if you would be patient with me because it would show me that things are not all about sex with you. It would show me that our relationship is deeper than that and that you think that I am worth waiting for.”

When you put it like this, many men will agree to go along with your time frame. Once you had both agreed to this, then it is important to place your focus on healing. Because the truth is, sex can help to rebuild your relationship, but only when it’s right and only when both people are doing it for the right reasons.

I will admit that I held off on sex for quite a while after my husband’s affair.  And, it said a lot about him that he was willing to wait.  This did not go unnoticed by me and I appreciated it.  And once we did resume our sex life, it was more than worth the wait.  If it helps, you can read about how we healed on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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