Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There’s no way to sugar coat it. No matter how much you try to lean on your integrity and deal with the affair in a healthy way, the sex issue is going to come up. It’s going to be that thing between you that you really don’t want to talk about but know, deep down, that you must.

Cheating, having an affair, or committing infidelity means that your partner has had sex with someone else. So of course you are going to want details about the sex. Of course you are going to want to know if it was the sex that kept your partner from thinking clearly in the first place. Or if it was the sex that kept your partner coming back.

At the same time, many wives hesitate to broach the sex issue. Because they know that once they do, there is no going back. For better or worse, you’re going to have to deal with whatever his answer may be. And once you get an image in your head, it is very hard to erase that image – even if you begin to recover or improve in other ways.

A wife might say, “For the longest time, my husband would walk away when I tried to ask him about sex during his affair. He would act offended as if I had no right to ask this. Finally, I told him that I deserved an answer and that if he didn’t give it to me, I didn’t see how there was any hope for us. I told him that he was purposely keeping me in the dark so that my assumptions were probably always going to be worse than reality. So he finally caved. And do you know what his response was to me? That the sex was ‘different but not better.’ He wouldn’t give any more specifics than this. How am I supposed to interpret this? What does this mean?”

The Catch 22 Your Husband Is In And The Mental Gymnastics You Must Play: Your husband has the most accurate answers to these questions, but he’s unlikely to willingly answer them. Why? Most likely because he suspects that there isn’t much upside for him. No matter what he says, you’re not going to be pleased with his answer. If he claims that the sex was awful, you’re going to suspect that he is lying. But he knows better than to give positive details about it. So he is going to have a price to pay no matter what he says. And he is well aware of this.

Unfortunately, you can’t know exactly what happened because you weren’t there. So, how you interpret his words is really up to you. And I have some suggestions about that based on my own experience with infidelity.

What We Know About Affair Sex: It is pretty well established that most men who cheat are not unhappy in their marriages and do not want to leave their spouses. It may surprise you to learn that as many as 60 percent of men who cheat say that they have a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. So why cheat? Because it’s not just about the sex. Most people who cheat have no intention of doing so. It is typically an act of opportunity, not of intention.

And it also typically cools down. Statistics tell us that long-term affairs are quite rare. So the sex usually does not keep a person coming back forever – just until the novelty (or whatever the cheaters are getting out of it) wears off.

This means that the sex and the relationship are usually not meaningful for the people doing it. Realistically, there can be excitement in novelty and newness. But, most spouses report feeling guilty about their cheating, which does cut into the excitement.

There May Be Some Truth To What Your Husband Is Telling You: I’ve dialogued with a good deal of men who’ve cheated. Most have crushing remorse about their cheating (even if they don’t show the same to their spouse.) Some even felt that remorse as soon as the cheating started. Yes, many of them get a thrill out of doing something that they know is off-limits. And yes, it can feel good to feel desired by someone who is under no obligation to desire you. Feeling good about yourself in this way can be alluring.

But it is also fleeting. And for many husbands, there is nothing substantial or real behind it. There is no history, no real connection, and no intention that this is going to last. So how can that type of sex be better than sex with a partner who knows who you are and what you like?

Moving On Very Deliberately When It Comes To Sex: I understand the temptation to want to get the sex out of the way or to prove to yourself that your husband still desires you. But I’d caution you against rushing into it until you are absolutely sure that the time is right. If it’s awkward then that might reinforce the doubts you already feel.

If you still aren’t ready to move forward, then you might feel used. I forced myself to wait until it was very clear and obvious that the time was right and I’m very glad that I did. It makes sense to be very deliberate when you are trying to rebuild your sexual confidence. You want to do everything in your power to build yourself up so that both you and your husband KNOW that your husband is very lucky to get a second chance with you.

Don’t allow your mind to run away from you regarding the other woman. If things were so great with her, then why is he still trying with you? Why is he still there, even though it can’t be easy to face you right now? It is likely the answer is because he wants to be. Sometimes, that is the best place to put your focus.

I know that this isn’t easy.  There are no perfect answers. But you can turn the corner.  This doesn’t have to ruin your life.  You can read more about my journey with this at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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