Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with a cheating husband who seems remorseful and intent on staying in the marriage question his motives. Theoretically, he can say – and even do – all the right things. But of course, wives still have their doubts. They wonder how if the marriage was so important to him, why would he cheat in the first place?

One common reason that the wife is hesitant is due to the issue of his security. She might explain, “my husband cheated on me with a younger, and let’s face it, prettier, woman. When I caught him, he immediately broke it off and told me that he would do whatever I asked him to do to stay married to me. I told him that I would have to think about this and to not pressure me about it. Meanwhile, I am allowing him to stay in our home. He is sort of meandering around and moping. It is clear that he isn’t happy. I’m not necessarily happy. But I am also his right-hand woman and the person who organizes his life, cleans up his messes, and cares for his children. My husband and I have been together since we were kids. We finish each other’s sentences. Living without one another would feel like living without part of ourselves. I believe this is part of the reason why he stays with me – I am his security blanket, so to speak. He doesn’t want to leave the cozy feeling of that blanket, but he is not passionately in love with that blanket either. So my fear is that he is going to keep me around for security, but he will also wait until I let my guard down and then cheat again, or at least entertain that thought. I was reading some of his texts with the other woman and he clearly had feelings for her – or at least pretended to be very invested in the relationship. I don’t want to let go of my marriage. This is especially true because of my kids. But I am not sure that security is the only reason people should stay together after infidelity.”

There are many, many reasons that couples choose to attempt to hang on after infidelity. Sometimes, the reasons may seem inadequate. But that doesn’t stop people from trying. I personally don’t think (from my own experience) that it is always the reasons that matter – it is the result that you get from doing the work that matters.

For example, I chose to give my husband a chance because of my kids. I’m fairly certain that if I did not have children in the equation, I would be divorced right now. Because at the time, I was simply too angry and devastated to have the patience to work through the issues that arose after the affair. However, my kids meant that I needed to attempt to summon that patience. If I failed, well, at least I would know that I did everything that I could for my kids.

However, in the end, we stayed together not because of the kids, but because we were actually successful in rebuilding our marriage and restoring the trust. It took a long while and much work, but I did grow to respect and trust my husband again.  And although I wasn’t sure that if it would be possible, I WANTED to remain married, but only if we could fix our marriage to the point where I’d be content and truly willing to trust. And, with a great deal of work, we actually succeeded in this.

So while it may bother you that the security issue tethers him to you, if you are still invested in your marriage, perhaps it is a blessing. It means that you might give him a chance to make this right. Who knows if he will be successful or not, but it may not hurt to give him that chance.

I’d like to make one final point. Very few people would stay in a situation where there was no genuine satisfaction and contentment. I know that it’s being called “security” in this situation, but there is a lot to be said for a relationship that can withstand the test of time and stresses. Sure, we all like to fantasize about the type of passion on which movies and mistakes are based. (And you can certainly restore much of that passion with work. I did!) But in my opinion and experience, nothing can compete with a long-term relationship in which both people intimately know one another – the good and the bad.

I firmly believe this is why so few spouses actually divorce in the face of infidelity. Yes, cheating is a serious threat to a marriage and it is a painful, difficult recovery. However, if you look at the statistics, not as many marriages end due to infidelity as you may assume.  In fact, the majority do not. Now, what the statistics don’t tell us is how many of those marriages are happy ones. But I believe that, to some extent, you are able to control this. You can keep working and re-working until you get your marriage to the place where you want and need it. If your spouse isn’t quite making the grade or some things still bother you, speak up. If you need expert help to get through this, get it.

I do understand the “security” concerns. I had many of the same issues. I thought my husband stayed, at least in part, due to comfort. But in the end, the reasons didn’t really matter. They just allowed us to open the door. We had to do the work to walk through the door and to close the door. My reasons for giving him that chance were only the tip of the iceberg. What truly matters – and what is truly going to last – is the work we did on our marriage to ensure that we have a happy household once again. In the end, that is what matters most to me. I protected my kids from the aftermath of the affair. But if they were ever to learn about it, I hope that they would take comfort in knowing that their parents worked together – despite the pain and uncertainty – to keep their family together, much to their benefit.  You can read more about the actual steps we took to keep our marriage intact here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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