Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Because of my own experience with infidelity, cheating is a topic that I have researched and thought about for a long while. And I find that almost universally, the cheating spouse wants to shorten the healing process while the faithful spouse wants to lengthen it.

In other words, the cheating spouse is much more likely to want to “get back to normal,” while the faithful spouse is more likely to want to take whatever time is necessary to heal before she even thinks about normalcy.

You might hear a wife articulate it this way: “After I first found out my husband was having an affair, I could not stand to be around him for even a few minutes. I wanted him out of my house and so I changed the locks. I just did not want him in my sight at all. Oh, he tried to get my attention. He begged for just some of my time. But I just didn’t have it in me to give him any part of me. After some time went by, we began to have conversations. Eventually, we started to spend some time together. And some days, that process goes better than others. I still have no idea what I want to do about our marriage, and I’m frankly in no hurry. The problem is that now he wants to move back in. Honestly, I am just not ready. Even spending time together is trying, so I can’t even imagine living with him again. At the same time, I feel like if I reject him, he might stop coming around altogether, and I’m not sure that I want that, either. I’m unsure about the best course of action, but I’m relatively sure that I don’t want him to move back in yet.”

This is only my opinion, but I feel that your perspective is completely valid. If your gut is telling you that you aren’t ready, then there’s likely a reason for it.  

I kept my husband at arm’s length for a bit after his affair, and I was in no hurry to let him back in. I told him quite bluntly that he was going to have to earn his way back into my heart over time. And he eventually did that, but I wasn’t going to allow him to rush me. 

Here are some tips on how you might keep him at bay, while still allowing yourself to control the narrative with access to him.

Tell Him You’re Not Ready in a Way that Lets Him Know that You’re Not Cutting Off Contact: I don’t think there is anything wrong with being honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you are not ready. But it helps to reassure him that this doesn’t mean you’re cutting him out of your life. 

Try something like, “It’s encouraging that you want to move back in, but I have to be honest and say that I’m just not ready yet. I’m not saying that I don’t want to spend time with you at all. We’ve been making progress and I’d like for that to continue, but I don’t want to rush into living together because that might actually thwart our progress. We have much more work to do before we start talking about living together, so let’s do the work rather than skipping the necessary steps.”

Consider Blaming Your Therapist (or Other Trusted Advisor) if You Have One: An easy way to sidestep some of the awkwardness of this situation is to tell your husband that you asked your therapist about moving in together and she told you it was a bad idea – at least for now. Sure, this is a little white lie, but it is for a good cause.  

By doing this, you protect yourself from him trying to debate with you or wear you down, and you underscore your need to do some additional healing before you entertain the thought of living together again.

If you don’t have a therapist, you can always tell him you’re listening to the advice of a trusted advisor, spiritual leader, coworker, mentor, etc. 

Tell Him What He Needs to Do Before You’ll Consider Allowing Him to Move Back In: Your husband may be discouraged after you tell him he can’t move back in. But one way to show him that you’re not going to continuously pull the rug out from under his feet is to define what he’s going to need to do for you to reconsider.

If he needs to go to counseling for a certain period, tell him. If you want access to his passcodes, etc, tell him. If you want him to date you for six more months before you’ll entertain the idea of him moving back in with you, tell him because at least then he will know where he stands. 

If you think it is time that you need and he just needs to wait, that can be important information, too. 

Don’t Give Off the Vibe that You Aren’t Sure: The fact that you don’t want him to live with you right now is not an easy conversation to have. So it’s not uncommon to sound a bit unsure of yourself when you say it.

However, when you take on an uncertain tone, all this says to him is that you are not sure and that, if he pushes, you can be talked into letting him move in.

So instead of getting him to be patient, he’s now going to be just the opposite. 

Practice what you’re going to say before you say it, if necessary, because you must sound sure of your message so that he will back off a little, give you some space, and keep on giving you the healing you need until you feel that you’ve made enough progress.

You are absolutely within your rights to define the time frame that makes you the most comfortable.  I did eventually reconcile with my husband after his affair, but I did it when the time was right for me, not him.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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