Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: One of the most fleeting things after the discovery of an affair is intimacy. And I’m not talking about physical intimacy. Because one could understand why physical intimacy would be difficult. 

No, I’m talking about emotional intimacy – feeling somewhat close to your spouse, even if you’re angry with him. With emotional intimacy, you know that you are on the same team, even if things are rough right now. That’s often gone missing after an affair. 

A wife might say, “My husband seemed to have genuine remorse after I caught him cheating. And this was the first time I’ve caught him doing something so awful. So I really was going to give him the benefit of the doubt. And then I just felt like it wasn’t completely over. So I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he’d been ‘talking only’ to the other woman. He stressed that they would never see one another again. I told him that talking was also off-limits, and he got very sulky about this. But eventually, he gave in. I thought that once he didn’t have her in his life anymore, he would begin to come around, and our lives would start to feel normal again. But I was wrong. He’s still incredibly distant. In fact, he’s almost mean to me as if I am the one who did something wrong. Or that I am the one who was caught. Why is he acting like this? And what can I do to stop it?”

I know that this behavior is frustrating. And I definitely have some theories about why he is doing this. Once I go over some of the theories, I’ll suggest what you might try to stop it.

He’s Frustrated with Himself: Many wives in this situation assume that their husband is angry with them. But the most likely source of his anger is himself. He knows that he messed up.

And now he knows that he’s got a long road ahead of him to rebuild your trust. Almost no one would welcome this situation. And worse, he knows that it is all his fault. So yes, he may be a bit salty about the hole he’s dug for himself.

He’s Annoyed that the Affair Didn’t Reach a Natural End: I have dialogued with many men who’ve had affairs (including my own spouse.) Most of them will tell you very sincerely that they planned to end the affair.

They’ll claim that they didn’t need for their wives to give them an ultimatum or to offer up threats. They were going to end this all on their own (or so they think.) So when they get into a situation where you’ve forced their hand, they can resent it. 

He Doesn’t Welcome the Scrutiny: Most people know that they deserve the distrust that they’re getting after an affair. They know that if the roles were reversed, they would be watching you just as closely as you are watching them.

Still, it doesn’t make the situation feel any better. No one wants to feel like the wrong-doer all of the time. But that is the situation that he has created for himself. 

He’s Embarrassed and Ashamed: Although this one is sort of self-explanatory, try to think of this from your husband’s point of view. He’s been caught committing the worst infraction of his marriage. So now you know all about his dirty deeds and, even worse, you are watching closely for him to do something else.

Not only that, but the other woman is going to figure out that he’s being kept on a short leash. She’s going to know that his wife is the boss in this since he’s doing what the boss says. For many men, that’s quite embarrassing and emasculating.

He Doesn’t Want to be in a Position of Groveling: Many husbands keep their distance after an affair because they know that if they get close to you, you’re going to have certain expectations of them. In other words, they’re now the second-class citizen in this marriage, and they are expected to act as such. Although many husbands accept that they deserve this, it doesn’t mean that they like it. So they distance themselves, thinking that it will limit the fallout.

What You Can Do About It: What you can do about this is tricky because there is really no way to convince your husband that you will be respectful towards him other than to just try to act that way.

At the same time, it’s often an unfortunate fact that he deserves some of the treatment that he is getting. To pretend he doesn’t serves no one. You’ll need to have some potentially uncomfortable conversations so you can figure out what went wrong and you can fix it.

Skipping over that process may prolong your healing. You can’t pretend that you’re not disappointed with and frustrated. That wouldn’t be fair.

Unfortunately, you both may have to accept that this process just takes time. 

Try to Consider His Behavior Now: When he allows himself to be vulnerable and tries to get close to you, try not to punish him. Acknowledge his vulnerability if you can. Try to put yourself in his shoes if it’s at all possible. 

I know you likely wouldn’t cheat. But what if you found yourself being repeatedly scrutinized and even rejected? How would it feel? Not very good, right?

As a result, would you want to distance yourself from the situation that made you feel that way? Of course you would.

I’m not saying that you need to suddenly be nice to your spouse or to welcome him with open arms. You are under no obligation to rush the healing process.

I’m suggesting that you try to treat each other with dignity and respect. You may need to give each other some time.

It helps to know that when you begin to heal, he’ll often stop being so distant. When he knows that it is safer to try to get close to you, then you may see that distance gap begin to close.  

Again though, don’t feel pressured to act in a way that feels rushed or forced. Know that this is a process, and it is sometimes going to be uncomfortable for both of you until you make a little more progress.

With patience and determination, progress usually comes. And when it does, the distance should begin to wane. 

Don’t give up. And don’t give into frustration.  With a little patience and determination, you can overcome this.  You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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