Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s not unusual for a husband to severely downplay his cheating once he is caught. He may try to act like it is not a huge deal. He may try to act as if it is justified. And he may posture and act indignant and aloof, in the hopes that you will no have high expectations from him (as far as remorse and rehabilitation goes, anyway.) Because let’s face it. Human nature dictates that most people want to take as little responsibility for their actions as is possible. Even when you feel guilty and know that it is all your fault, it is human nature to want to gloss over it quickly and just move on.  It’s natural to want to minimize the pain and the embarrassment.

To that end, many husbands will initially try to downplay what a huge mistake the affair truly was. They act as if they just do not understand why their wife is so very upset. Their wife will go on an on about what a big, life and marriage-altering mistake that has been made, and the husband will tell her that she is being overly-dramatic. Many wives refuse to back down from this, however. And typically, over time, the husband will make some concessions. But it’s rare that a husband that starts out being in denial or being indignant won’t still try to posture or rush the process a little bit.

A wife might say: “when I first caught my husband cheating, he acted as if this were the sort of thing that happened everyday. He didn’t even really get upset by it and he acted as if he were shocked at my surprise. He says that I was well aware that we weren’t having enough sex. He said that I knew that he would never leave me and our children. He said that he would stop. But he certainly wasn’t overly apologetic. This infuriated me and I kicked him out of our bedroom and limited my contact with him while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do. We did not have much to do with one another for about a month. Then one night, one of our children had a special event we had to attend. We put on happy faces for the sake of our children and we actually got along pretty well that evening. After we put our kids to bed, my husband asked how long I was going to continue to chill him out. I told him that I hadn’t made a decision about that, but that I didn’t really want to interact with a man who wouldn’t even admit that he made a mistake. At that point, he muttered ‘oh, I’m well aware that I made a mistake. I know that I was wrong.’ I was happy to hear that. So I asked him if he was sorry. He said that he was. I patted his back and kissed him on the cheek because I had been waiting for these things. I hoped that the next day, things would look brighter, but my husband acts as if because he’s admitted a mistake, that is all that is required. He asked when he could move back into the bedroom. I told him that we are a long way from that. He acts as if I am being petty. How can I make him see that just admitting the mistake is not enough?”

Spelling It Out For Him: Your actions usually speak louder than your words. As you continue to hold him at arm’s length, he may well get the hint. If you would like to speed this along, it’s sometimes helpful to spell things out. That way, your expectations are clear and your husband can’t say that you didn’t tell him exactly what you needed. So, you might try a dialog like: “I know that we recently talked about how the affair was a mistake. I am glad that you finally understand and have admitted that. It’s a first step that needed to be taken. But it is only the first step. Because the mistake has damaged our marriage and has required that it be rebuilt. I can’t fully participate in our marriage if I can not trust and feel safe with my emotions and with my commitment. There is still plenty of work to be done. I think that we need a plan regarding how we are going to get our marriage back. Because it is not going to just magically happen on its own. Your admission has started us in the right direction. But it is not enough. We need to rehabilitate our marriage. Not doing so is cheating us both.”

Allow An Expert To Back You Up: I strongly suggest that you bring an objective third-party expert into the mix. Why? Because sometimes, a husband needs someone who is not his wife to show him that his expectations are just not realistic or fair. But when this is coming from you, he thinks that it is only because you are angry or have your own agenda. But when it comes from a counselor or from self-help (where your husband can literally read or watch it) then it seems more objective and valid to him. Sometimes, he just needs someone else to tell him that he needs rehabilitation before he can expect you to move on.

My husband tried to downplay his affair also.  I had to make it clear that just a pat apology wasn’t going to cut it.  And I made sure that he heard the same message from others so that he knew that I was not just spouting off my own agenda. Once it was clear that I was going to accept nothing less than full rehabilitation, he got with the program.  There’s more  on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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