My Husband Had An Affair And Now All He Wants To Do Is Have Sex With Me
By: Katie Lersch: There is an assumption that a couple struggling with infidelity aren’t having much sex. This may be because the person who was unfaithful isn’t interested. Or because the faithful spouse is so turned off by the thought of her spouse sleeping with someone else that she has placed sex off limits.
The above scenarios do happen sometimes. But the opposite can also happen. The couple can actually increase the frequency of their sex. This can happen for a couple of a reasons. Sex can seem like a very effective way to say “I’m sorry” for the cheating spouse. And knowing that your spouse still desires you and you can still have hot sex can be very reassuring for both spouses. People are sometimes very judgmental of this, but frankly it is no one’s business. If both parties are willing and it doesn’t cause any problems, then it really is up to the couple to decide how to resume their sex life.
Of course, sometimes it does cause problems or things are taken a little too far. This can happen when the cheating spouse wants to turn up the volume on the sex life a little too much. It can begin to feel as if sex is being used to fix all of your problems, which of course is unacceptable. A wife might explain this type of situation: “I found out that my husband had been cheating about three months ago. For the first month, I did not really speak to or spend any time with my husband at all. But in the second month, we started communicating a little and one night we went out and one thing lead to another and we had great sex. I mean we had the best sex that we have had in years. I honestly did not think we’d ever have that type of sex again. Of course, this has now happened countless times. It seems that all my husband wants to do is have sex now. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it too. But I don’t want for my husband to think that this has solved all of our problems or that we are now home free. Sometimes, I will want to talk about our issues and what is his response? He wants to have sex, of course. Don’t get me wrong. Being at this stage and having sex and being affectionate is better than not speaking. But I am afraid that we are glossing over things.”
I totally understand your concern and believe that it is valid. While having sex feels a whole lot better than fighting, if the issues are never explored and fixed, they will come up again sooner or later. You can’t have sex all of the time. Reality has to come to the surface at some point. And when it does, it may not be the reality that you want until things are set right again.
However, making your husband see this might be tricky. He may see it as a rejection if you don’t explain the reasoning behind it. And just abruptly cutting him off may cause him to misunderstand your intentions. He may think that you are suddenly changing your mind or punishing him. That’s why I think that it helps to be clear.
You might try: “as much as I enjoy our having sex instead of fighting, I worry that we may be using sex as a way to escape issues that are going to need our attention. I’m not saying that I’m taking it off the table. But I do want to balance it with working on issues that have either cropped up pre or post affair. I think it’s fair that we agree to either go to counseling regularly or set aside some time each week where we will discuss things. I worry that our having sex is causing us to gloss over the issues. And I think that is a mistake because I don’t want the issues to come back to haunt us later. Can we agree to this?”
I would think that most cheating spouses will agree. While no one likes to regularly discuss something that is hurtful, every one should be able to tolerate it for the good and health of your marriage. And frankly, your husband has it easier than many. At least you are willing to give him physical affection. Many wives withhold this afterward. So he should hopefully be able to see that asking him to regularly work on your marriage is a request that is more than fair.
Just be clear that you’re very comfortable with the sex and are willingly giving it because you want to. And be careful that you aren’t using it as an escape or diversion. It actually is pretty common for couples dealing with infidelity to sometimes feel MORE desire instead of less. You can both realize that your marriage is at serious risk and you can then imagine life without your spouse. Naturally, when the love is still there, you want to do something to ensure that this loss doesn’t happen. You want to feel close, desired, and accepted. This is natural.
I took sex off of the table for a little while because I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just muddying the waters. But everyone is different. Everyone has a different journey. You can read more about my own journey on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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