Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Sex can be one of the most awkward parts of affair recovery, and that awkwardness can happen even if things otherwise go relatively okay. But married couples trying to recover from an affair who have a bad sexual experience can feel even more pain and doubt than before. And they can start to wonder if the bad sex means that they won’t ever recover. This can be particularly true when the husband has erectile dysfunction or impotence after the affair. 

A wife might be in a situation like this, “I caught my husband cheating six weeks ago, although he’s been trying to deny it. But I feel like I have indisputable proof. At times, he’s sort of reluctantly conceded that he’s done something wrong and has acted inappropriately. So while he hasn’t come out and admitted it, exactly, I feel like it’s understood between us that I am proceeding as if this were an affair, and he’s no longer going to argue with me about it. I’m honestly still not sure what I want to do about this marriage, but I haven’t kicked him out. Last night, we had too much to drink, and we ended up fooling around, and it became clear we were probably going to have sex. But my husband couldn’t do the deed. And then he tried to claim that he’s been having problems with impotence, almost as if this should mean that he didn’t cheat after all. This is just more fuel to the fire for me. It’s more hurtful feelings for me. Now I have to grapple with thoughts like he no longer finds me attractive or that he won’t be able to overcome whatever thing he’s grappling with to be a real husband to me. I worry our sex life will never recover. Is this impotency thing for real? Or is it just an excuse?”

It can certainly be for real in some cases. But that doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you, your body, or your ability to have an intimate relationship in the future. I’ll explain below.

Why Men Can Sometimes Experience ED or Impotence After an Affair:  Even men who’ve never had an issue can have erectile dysfunction issues after an affair due to guilt and shame. I think that sometimes people underestimate just how embarrassed husbands can be. And much of that embarrassment is tied to sex. So when they have sex with you again, they know that this is the moment that all eyes are on him and on his performance. They know that the stakes are high and they know how much can go wrong if the sex doesn’t go well. He may also wonder if you’ll hold back from him at the last minute. As a result, he may wonder if having sex is the best idea, even if it is what he wants. He may worry that he’s taking advantage of you and that he’ll look like all he is interested in is having sex with whoever will have it with him. All of these emotions can lead to a sexual dysfunction that has absolutely nothing to do with your desirability or attractiveness. And that is why you should never blame yourself.

Options to Keep Things From Getting Worse:  The awkwardness that can happen during sex is one of the biggest obstacles that many couples need to overcome. Physical intimacy is a large part of a marriage, and if you feel you can’t get it back, you might begin to doubt your ability to recover. 

That’s why I believe it’s very important to protect the intimacy and even prolong attempting sex if need be. This is a very personal decision. But I decided to put off sex until I felt that my husband and I had mostly recovered. I just didn’t want to add one more thing to worry about, and I didn’t want to attempt sex until I was sure that it was something that I was really ready for and wanted to do. Plus, I obviously wanted it to go well, and I was afraid that it wouldn’t.

There is nothing that says you can’t delay sex until more healing has taken place. You can simply tell your husband that you probably rushed into the sex, and you can try again later if that is what you both want when you’ve made more progress. You don’t need to say it like it is punishment, but as if it’s just part of the process, and the time is just not right yet.

At the same time, I’d be careful not to add to his shame. Not being able to perform is horrifying to most men. Even if you tell them that it happens sometimes and that it can happen to anyone, they can take it personally. It can also make them feel even worse about themselves at a time when their self-esteem is at an all-time low. He’s likely very low and vulnerable right now, so as tempting as it may be, try not to add to it. 

You May Definitivity Know When the Time is Right For Sex:  I know that this attempt happened during a night of drinking. But most of the time, I believe it is obvious when the time is right. I always told myself that I’d wait to have sex again until it was very obvious to both my husband and myself that we didn’t want to wait anymore.  

If there was any doubt at all, I felt it was better to wait. I felt it was better to let desire build up and go unsatisfied than to have a bad experience. And I have heard this from other couples. If you decide to remain married, you’ll have the rest of your life to have sex. I don’t see any reason to rush it and then have a bad experience that makes both of you experience even more doubt and fear. There’s already enough to deal with and worry about. 

But to answer the original concern, impotency does happen after an affair due to guilt and shame. And, it can resolve itself in time as healing takes place.  And I believe that it is definitely possible to heal, although it does take time, determination, and patience.  You can read about how I ultimately healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin