Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many people assume that when a spouse cheats, he is ready to end his marriage (or is at least is neutral about it. ) The assumption is that he’s no longer invested. Sure, he might make pitiful attempts to hide the affair, but he will not go out of his way to fight for the marriage if he is caught.  That is why it can be a shock for some when a husband claims a desperate sort of love for his spouse and for his marriage.

Here’s what I mean: A wife could say, “when I first caught my husband cheating, he knew that he should not talk to me right away.  I was steaming.  He went to his mother’s because he knew that it would not be pleasant at home.  So he left me alone for a couple of weeks.  He did text me every couple of days and asked how I was.  He never got anything but a one-word response.  Then, about three weeks in, he came to my work and asked me to give him five minutes of my time.  I told him he could have thirty seconds.  We walked into the hall and he said ‘there is no need to make this complicated.  It comes down to this: I was an idiot.  You are all I ever wanted and now I know that I might lose you.  I will do anything and everything if you’d even consider giving me a second chance.’  I shooed him away.  I pretended that his words meant nothing to me.  However, I spent the whole day thinking about what he said.  Everything he’s ever wanted?  How can that be anything but a lie?  If I was ‘everything’ he wanted, then he would have no need to go to anyone else.”

My Take: I certainly understand why you assume that he is lying.  I doubted every claim my husband made after his affair.  He had every reason to lie.  He knew that he faced losing big.  I waited for him to prove his claims to me since talk is cheap.  However, because of my own experience, the research I’ve conducted on this, the counseling I’ve gone through, my interviews with experts, and from watching others go through infidelity, I’ve changed my view.  I do believe people can cheat on those they love deeply (and still very much want.)  Often, this happens because they don’t feel that they are good enough.  Or because they are struggling with something that has nothing to do with their marriage.  Or because they faced an opportunity that they took without thinking.

Now, he is probably not being truthful when he says “you’re everything I want” at the very moment you’re standing there staring daggers at him and spitting anger.  He can’t literally mean that you are exactly how he wants you to be this very second. Obviously, your situation isn’t ideal.  But he may mean that even right now, he’d give anything to have you just as you are rather than not having you at all.

What I Think He Really Means: I hate to put words in someone else’s mouth. But I have learned that men who have just been caught cheating are not the most eloquent of talkers.  They are often going for the phrase that is going to make you stop and pay attention.  They do not always consider their words carefully.  However, their intention may be authentic.  I think that when a man claims some variation on “you’re all I want.”  Or “I wasn’t looking for anything but you,”  what he actually means is some variation on this: “Moving forward, my greatest desire would be to keep our relationship, but to leave behind the distrust and damage that I know my actions have caused.”  What he is saying is that, in a perfect world, he would like to erase the damage.  He wishes that he would have realized what he had before he put it all at risk. Now, he just wants it back. If he had it, he would value it and finally give it the appreciation that it deserves.

I am not advocating for a cheating husband. I am just trying to dissect his words so that you might see that he’s not straight up lying. The “you’re everything I want” is a phrase of regret. It’s saying “I probably can’t have what I want because I messed up. But I want you to be aware that now, when it may be too late, I’m fully aware of what I had.”

This is (and can feel) so heartbreakingly ironic. Why does one have to almost lose something before they truly see what it meant? None of this means that you have to care about his claims or that you have to accept them as truth. None of this may matter to you. I’m just trying to clarify what he may actually mean.

Considerations: Regret can propel a person to take actionable measures to try to right their wrong. However, sometimes, for the faithful spouse, it is too little too late. Sometimes, the act of the affair is always going to overshadow any and all acts of redemption and rehabilitation. In other words, it doesn’t matter what the cheating spouse does to make this right. It’s all in vain. It will never matter because only the cheating matters.

I believe that everyone has an absolute right to respond in the way that is authentic for them. Some people are able to move on because the marriage is more important to them than the mistake. Others are never able to do so. Some may sincerely try to make it work and find that they can not. Everyone is different. Every situation is different.

Do what is ultimately right for you. But understand that he may not be lying to you. He may be trying to tell you that now, when it may be too late, he sees your worth. He knows what he had. And he’d desperately like to have it back. But he doesn’t know if you are going to give him that chance. I know that this is what my own husband was stumbling over himself to say in the weeks or months after the affair.  But he often got tongue-tied.  And it all came out wrong.  That’s why I eventually allowed his actions to do the talking.  You can read more about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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