Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Whether to stay or go after a husband’s affair is one of the most common questions that I receive. I often hear comments like “I am so torn as to whether I should stay with my husband or leave him after his affair. I never thought I would think about ending my marriage. But I never thought he’d cheat on me either. Part of me believes that with a lot of work, we could work this out. But another part of me wonders if I can ever get over this or if I will ever be able to trust him again. I’m so angry all of the time, and when I interact with him, I get even angrier. I know this is no way to have a healthy marriage. I just don’t know what to do. I wish this had never happened in the first place. What should I do? I don’t know if I’m better off staying or going.”

Unfortunately, this is not a decision that I can make for someone. This is an individual choice that is usually based on many different factors. And quite often, your feelings and perceptions will change throughout this process. So, it can make sense not to make hasty decisions. I will discuss this more in the following article.

What To Consider When Deciding To Stay Or Go After His Affair: In this situation, there are certainly variables that you are not going to be able to change. You can’t change the fact that he had an affair. You can’t change your hurt and anger. But you can control how you react from this point on. Often, your reactions and feelings are going to be influenced by what type of remorse or attempts at rehabilitation you get from him.

It’s a lot easier to want to stay with a man who is obviously genuinely sorry and is promising to offer you whatever you need to heal and move forward than to want to stay in a situation where the husband doesn’t seem all that remorseful. With that said, though, some men who don’t overtly show their remorse truly can be sorry, but they aren’t sure what you want to see, and they are trying to diminish your anger.

Another consideration is whether this has happened before. Serial cheaters are more likely to cheat again unless some serious rehabilitation takes place. And there are men who only cheat once, fully understand what they risk losing, and never repeat this behavior. And often, the decision between staying or going lies with determining which type of husband you actually have.

One more thing to consider is how willing you both are to do some work on restoring the trust and your marriage. Believe it or not, many marriages not only recover but become stronger than ever after doing this work. It’s often the couples who aren’t able or willing to do this who continue to deal with the distrust and anger. If you are both willing to dive in and work on yourself and your marriage, this investment can really pay off.

Whether You Stay Or Go Is Your Decision, Not Any One Else’s: When I discuss this topic with women, they often admit that they either have someone who is giving them an opinion, or they are worried about the opinion of others. I often hear people say things like “my mother is telling me that he will cheat again and that I’m stupid to stay.” Or “people are going to think that I’m weak and stupid if I stay.”

I understand these concerns, but you truly can’t make these types of things your primary concern. This is your life. Not your mother’s or your friend’s. You know your husband, your marriage, and your capacity toward healing and forgiveness better than anyone else. Your friends and family really do not have to personally live with this decision, but you do. So really, it makes sense to worry most about what you think and are feeling.

If You Still Aren’t Sure Whether To Stay Or Go, Consider Delaying The Decision: There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting off this decision until you have more information. Sometimes, you don’t know how you are going to think or feel, and you just have to try some things or give the situation time. Any husband who is serious about saving his marriage should understand this. There’s nothing wrong with telling him that you aren’t making any permanent decisions right now but are just waiting to see what happens. If you don’t want to be under the same roof right now, you can stay with friends or ask that he do the same.

None of this means you won’t want a different solution tomorrow. That’s why it’s important to leave things open-ended until the solution becomes clearer to you. Healing and processing this usually takes some time, so the ultimate solution sometimes takes a bit of time also.