Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common to hear from wives who feel like a “loser” or a “failure” after their husband cheats or has an affair. Most of these wives intellectually understand that they are not the spouse who has failed or has fallen short. But their hears are not listening to their heads.

One might explain, “My husband cheated on me in a heinous way. I know the other woman very well. I actually like her. So it feels like a double betrayal. I am so angry and disappointed with my husband. But I am also mad at myself. I was just coasting along with my life with blinders on. How did I not see what was going on around me? I have not confided in any friends or family members. And I could really use the support. But I have this silly notion that his affair reflects badly on me. And eventually, my kids will find out about this. And this will cause them pain. In a sense, I feel as if I allowed to this happen. So, in a roundabout way, I am causing my kids pain. I feel like a huge failure even though I’m not the one who took the action. Why do I feel this way? And what can I do to stop it?”

Potential Reasons For Feeling Like A Failure After A Husband’s Affair: I believe that there are countless reasons that wives are tempted to take some responsibility for a husband’s infidelity. First of all, women tend to feel responsible for the behavior of every member of their immediate family who is living under their roof. Mothers feel guilty when their kids misbehave. Wives feel ashamed when their husband argues with a neighbor. Many women understandably want their family to perform as if they were standing right beside them. Unfortunately, this isn’t realistic. People have free will and must grapple with impulse control. As much as we’d like to have our family perform exactly was we’ve taught and want them to, they aren’t likely to do this.

You can always flip this thinking and ask yourself if it’s your husband or your kids’ fault if you drive over the speed limit when you are in a hurry. Obviously, your family had nothing to do with the decisions you made while driving. In the same way, you shouldn’t take responsibility for your husband’s actions.

Another reason that we feel responsible is that society sends the not-so-subtle message that it is a wife’s responsibility to “take care” of her husband or to ensure that he is happy. Without arguing the validity of this message, plenty of men have affairs on wives who DO take care of their husbands and who are very conscientious about their marriages and their husband’s happiness. Sometimes, you are doing everything right. And he cheats anyway. So you can not blame yourself for his actions.

Evaluating How Much Responsibility Is Fair And Appropriate: Assuming that you are not going to leave your husband immediately and are considering your part in the affair, I can tell you upfront that I don’t believe that an affair is ever the faithful spouse’s fault. Granted, this is just one person’s opinion. And I am admittedly biased. My husband cheated and although we recovered, the pain of that event does influence my thinking. That said, no matter how shaky your marriage was or how much your husband may claim to have been unhappy, he is the one who took the action to cheat. You weren’t there to influence him in any way. These were his actions and his choice.

If you posture that you feel like a failure, you are going to make it easier for him to duck out of his responsibility and accountability, both of which he needs to own.

Likewise, if you decide to try to save your marriage down the road, it can be helpful to evaluate any place where you could improve. I don’t encourage this because I think that you bear any responsibility for your husband’s actions. I don’t believe that for a second. But I know from experience that if you want to feel confident to trust your spouse again, you want to make your marriage as strong as it can possibly be. However, evaluating your behavior in your own marriage to strengthen it is very different than blaming yourself for your spouse’s behavior.

How To Stop Feeling Like A Failure: I would find one person to help build you up and challenge your thinking. That might be a counselor, a trusted friend, or a neutral family member. You want someone who will repeatedly tell you that you are, and have always been, a good wife and mother. You need to hear this message regularly until you start to believe it. You can also train yourself to question this negative thinking when you experience it. For example, if you begin to fret about being embarrassed if people find out about the affair, reassure yourself that it is your husband who should be embarrassed. (And it is up to you as to who you want to find out. Tell your husband to leave this decision up to you.)

When you feel like a failure, remember that it is your husband who failed. He is the one who performed the act of cheating. You did not. Even if your marriage wasn’t perfect, your husband could have taken another path. He could have talked to you before he cheated. He could have removed himself from the situation and returned home to his wife and children. He did neither.

So this failure is his to claim.

If and when you choose to work on your marriage, you can then determine ways where you can BOTH improve. This is not taking responsibility for the affair, but it is taking responsibility for the health of your marriage and your own happiness, both of which are important moving forward.

I know that this is a difficult time, but you can get through this and when you do, you will see that you most definitely were not a failure. If it helps, you can read about my own recovery after my husband’s affair at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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