Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It’s no fun to feel as if you are at the mercy of your cheating spouse for information about the affair. In the early stages, he can and does tell you what he wants you to know. However, typically, as time goes on, information begins to leak out and you begin to learn more specific information about what really took place. And, while you often want to know the truth, this additional information can be painful. An example is when you thought you were dealing with a one-night stand and then learn that perhaps you were dealing with an affair all along. 

Someone might explain, “When I originally found out about my husband’s coworker, he confessed it to me. He came to me after he had been drinking, and he had been crying. He said he had to tell me something, and then proceeded to say that he’d had a one-night stand with a coworker. He swore it didn’t mean anything. He said he didn’t even like this woman in a day-to-day setting. And he said he is avoiding her like the plague at work. He also told me that she wasn’t even remotely interested in him because she has young children and doesn’t want to jeopardize her marriage in any way. He made it sound like this is his life’s biggest regret, and that it was over and he would never do it again.”  

“Initially, I was devastated, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with this, but I did a lot of work, and I finally figured if he had enough integrity to come clean, then I could at least try to meet him halfway and just see what happened. After I did that, I honestly thought that we made some progress, but then I got an email from this other woman apologizing to me about the affair and assuring me that it was over. When I responded back that my understanding was that it was just a one-night stand, her response was…. ‘umm, no, it was more than that.’ When I confronted my husband, he said she was just trying to cause trouble. Now I don’t know what to think. I thought she had small kids and didn’t want any trouble. But now it seems like she’s not above making trouble. And now I find myself doubting my husband, and I worry that all the progress we made was false because it was made on a lie.”

Ask Yourself Why She’s Doing This: This new information does put you in a rough spot, but I’d suggest asking yourself why this other woman would want to reach out to you. It’s always my tendency to take any declarations the other woman makes with a grain of salt. I always wonder what is in it for her. Sometimes, I feel like she has an agenda or she is just looking to boost her own ego or keep the drama going. In the end, if she is really sorry for cheating with your husband, wouldn’t she just go away and allow you to heal with that same husband? The fact that she seems to want to insert herself into your life suggests that she may have an agenda. It was always my strategy not to engage or assume she is a reliable source of information. If you do, she may continue to reach out, and it will be even harder for you to move on. You need her out of your life, not in it.

Keep Looking For Clues That It’s Really Over:  Despite what she has said, you’ve indicated that you’ve made progress. I assume part of that is that you believed it was truly over and that your husband’s behavior confirmed this. Continue looking for behavior that indicates he’s serious about moving on with fidelity – no going out without you, no traveling, no phantom phone calls or texts, no computer or phone late at night, etc.

If you continue to see this type of forthcoming behavior and he continues to act in a way that you find truthful and rehabilitative, then some wives will choose to continue to trust him until he gives them a reason not to.

I admit that of course there is a chance that this was an affair rather than a one-night stand, and he minimized it because he was afraid that you could never move on if you knew the truth. In other words, he lied partially because he was afraid of losing you. That doesn’t make it right, but this is admittedly possible.

To me, the bottom line always comes back to if it is truly over right now. Because in the end, a one-night stand and an affair have the same type of recovery. The relationship must end, and there must be regret, rehabilitation, and rebuilding. He should prioritize your healing and embrace the behaviors that mean you won’t have to deal with a repeat performance of this ever again. These things should happen even if you are dealing with a one-night stand.

Both types of relationships have their own sets of things to overcome and their own reasons for happening. Many people think that an affair is worse, but a man who has a one-night stand has the same impulse control issues as the man who has an affair. Some men just have a one-night stand because there is no opportunity for an affair.

It is up to you to decide if you can or want to move on in the rehabilitation process, but I would not let this woman’s claims undo the hard work that you have done. Worry about your own well-being and your own healing, watch your husband closely, and see what the coming days bring. You do not need to decide what to do right this second. As long as the relationship is over, you have options.

I didn’t decide to stay with my husband right away. I took my time to watch his behaviors and to see how much I was able to heal.  I do not regret staying, but I understand that this may not be the right decision for everyone.  You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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