Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives expect their husbands to apologize profusely and to try to overcompensate in the aftermath of an affair. After all, he has committed one of the most grievous offenses in a marriage. Wives often say that if they were caught cheating, they couldn’t do enough to show their regret.

Unfortunately, this is not always the behavior that you see from husbands caught cheating. Some of them are very indignant and defensive. Some try to blame their wives. Others are aggressive and disrespectful – even if they’ve never displayed these types of behaviors before. Many wives are perplexed – and understandably angered.

Here’s an example. A wife explained, “Ever since his affair has been confirmed, my husband is incredibly sarcastic and downright disrespectful to me. It’s funny because when he was trying to convince me that I was crazy for suspecting him of an affair and claimed that he was completely innocent, he was very sweet to me. He was accommodating and agreeable. But now that I’ve caught him red-handed, the cat is most definitely out of the bag, and he can’t lie to me anymore, his attitude has changed. He acts as if I am the one who has done something wrong, or that I am evil for catching him. What was I supposed to do? Willingly stay in the dark and just let me continue to cheat on me? I don’t think so. Most of the time, he acts as if I don’t exist. He will address the kids, but not me. He talks around me. He has made important family decisions without me, as though I don’t have the right of input anymore. The other day, he made plans to go out with some friends, and it made me uncomfortable considering the circumstances. I asked him when he would be home, hinting that he should be home early. And he basically ignored me. I repeated myself a couple of times, and he finally looked at me and shrugged. He acts as if I simply don’t count anymore. I found out that he planned a party for his mother, and he did not include or consult me. I adore his mother. She is as special to me as my own mother. It is as if he is erasing me from the important parts of his life as punishment. My opinions don’t matter. My anger doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t matter. And yet, I’ve been married to him for years, and I am the mother of his children. I would never treat him this way. I would never disrespect him like this. But that is exactly what he is doing – being incredibly disrespectful, simply because I caught him cheating. How do I handle this?”

Consider the Context. Know This Is Posturing: First of all, you have to see this in context. He wasn’t disrespectful to you when you still had the rouse that he might not be cheating. So you have to see this as what it truly is – posturing. He wasn’t as disrespectful when he hoped that he could avoid your anger, your pain, and your disappointment. Facing these things isn’t fun, so he wants to make sure that you share in the bad feelings.

Don’t Fall Right Into His Trap: Understanding that this disrespect is likely an act or an agenda will help you have the needed objectivity to effectively deal with it. Because no one wants to live like this indefinitely. But just confronting him, telling him that you know what he is doing, or declaring that his behavior is unacceptable are strategies that are likely to fail. He’s already proven that he’s willing to dig in, and he isn’t shy about negatively engaging. Worse, he might see your confrontation as an excuse to keep right on disrespecting you.

Don’t play into his hand, and don’t lower your own behavior to match his.

Remain Positive, But Make It Clear That He Can’t Delay Or Avoid Consequences: I’ve always suggested to wives in this situation that you pretend to be somewhat oblivious as part of your strategy. I know that this sounds a bit silly, but hear me out. He’s just waiting for you to take the bait so he can place at least some of the blame or anger and frustration on you.

He likely wants you to confront him. I don’t think that is the best idea. But I don’t think that you should pretend that things are normal just to avoid his disrespect, either. Instead, the next time he disrespects you, say something like, “Oh, I see you’re still frustrated. That’s understandable. I’m frustrated too, but eventually, we’ll have to deal with this without allowing our frustrations to run the show. Let me know when you are ready to do that.”

Then continue to go about your business. When your husband sees that he won’t get a rise out of you with his behavior and that he can’t avoid the fallout from his affair, what incentive does he have to keep going?

Know That His Anger Is Likely Mostly Directed At Himself: I am not defending your husband. As a wife who dealt with infidelity, I’d never do that. However, I have to tell you that it’s very normal for “caught” cheating husbands to go around in awful, nasty moods following the discovery of the affair. Their world is crashing down around them, and deep down, they know that it is all their fault. Yes, they would very much like to blame someone else. And they may well try to do so. But, in their quiet and honest moments, they know that they’ve made quite a mess.

If you watch your husband closely, you’ll likely notice that he is on edge in a variety of situations and with a variety of people. Now, he may try to make it seem like he’s patient and kind to everyone but you because he is trying to posture. But if you catch him without his guard up, or when he doesn’t know that you’re watching, I’ll bet you’d see that he is angry at himself. And that anger sours everyone and everything that he comes in contact with.

This isn’t an excuse. But it may help reassure you that he possibly doesn’t have a lack of respect for you. In fact, the opposite is likely true. He cares and respects what you think so much that he is trying to manipulate you into thinking differently and in seeing him, and his flaws, in a different light.

I knew that none of this is fun. I know that it can feel like you’re entire life has been altered. But you can eventually move past it.  You can read about how I did that at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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