Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

Understandably, wives who are dealing with infidelity want their husbands to feel just as alarmed and hurt by this situation as they are. They want him to feel the depth and gravity of what he has done. They want him to be every bit as upset about this as everyone else – perhaps even more so. That’s why it can be so disappointing when your husband wants to downplay the effects of his affair. He may tell you that he’s trying to see the positive in all of this, but it can, at times, feel as if he’s only in denial.

Someone might say, “I feel like my husband’s affair has shaken our family to its core. I feel that we are in real danger of losing everything that was supposedly important to us. I feel like this is a disaster in the making. But it appears that my husband will not take all of this as seriously as he should. When I tell him that I’m very worried for us and I’m not sure that we can survive this, his response is always something like, ‘we’ll get through it. We always do.’ This infuriates me. Yes, we have gotten through some stressful times in our marriage. And yes, some of those challenges even made us stronger. But, we have never faced anything like this. I want him to acknowledge what he has done to us. He almost seems determined not to do so. He’s repeatedly apologized, but he seems to have an answer for everything that I say. It’s not always a good answer, but this doesn’t seem to matter to him. It is so frustrating. I want to save my marriage. I truly do. But in order for me to get behind that, I need to know that he understands what he did to us. He almost acts like it’s not a big deal.”

I completely get where you are coming from. I felt the same way at many times during my own marriage after my spouse’s infidelity. I have come to realize from all the people that I talk with about this that MANY husbands take this stance. It is just human nature to want to minimize the damage of your actions. Husbands want to minimize their guilt, but they also want to convince themselves that, ultimately, everything is going to work out. And of course, that’s what we all want. But that’s not enough, since we also want validation for our feelings and concerns.

He’d love for you to just drop it, but you can’t. If you do, it will minimize the seriousness of the affair and you will always worry that he will do it again. That is why it is a good idea to require some sort of lengthy rehabilitation. Many people do this with counseling. Some use self help. Whatever you do, there should be ample opportunity for you to be heard and for any issues that lead up to the affair to be identified and dealt with. Only then are you ever going to have the confidence that he understands what he has done. When he has to go through all of the work and time of rehabilitation because of his own actions, believe me, he will understand how serious this is.

With that said, this usually means that you are also going to have to sit through the counseling or do the work. It may not be a picnic for you either. But at least you will have a place to be heard. Rehabilitation isn’t always a fun path to take – for either party. But it is the only way that you will be confident that you’re fully healed and that both you and your husband were committed enough to do this right and to not just gloss over your problems. This tells you that you valued your marriage enough to actually rebuild it to a healthy place where it could actually thrive again – rather than just survive or limp along.

You might start with addressing this in a new way the next time your husband dismisses you. I’d suggest something like, “well I certainly hope that we do get through it. But I want to do more than just get through it. We deserve a healthy and happy family. Our kids deserve a loving home without resentment or awkwardness. Therefore, I want to do this the right way. I don’t want to just get through it. I want to actually heal and thrive again. I want us to actually rehabilitate our marriage rather than just allowing it to limp along. I know that this is going to take work. But it’s worth it to me because I don’t want to continue on with suspicions and resentment. I want for us to one day be happy again, but I know that I’m going to need complete rehabilitation to make that happen.”

He may not be thrilled about this request, but most people want to eventually get back to their normal life again and common sense will tell you that you have to rebuild in order to get that. You can’t just pretend that nothing happened. Not many men are happy about rehabilitation. But if they really want to take responsibility and save their marriage, they will do it. And that is when they will understand exactly what they’ve done – when they have to do the work to make it right. Believe me, doing rehabilitation work is a GREAT deterrent to cheating again. And honestly, knowing that your husband would hate to have to repeat this gives you the confidence that he will not only think twice about ever cheating again, but he will motivated to want a healthier marriage.  You can read more about how I got my husband to commit to rehabilitation at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin