My Husband Is Isolating Himself From Our Family After He Cheating And Had An Affair
By: Katie Lersch: Many are worried about their husband’s behaviors after he cheated or had an affair. They sincerely hope for a husband who is willing to do anything necessary to make things right again, but this isn’t always what happens. Instead, many husbands will sulk, pout, or isolate themselves. The wives often aren’t sure how to react or what to do.
She might explain: “I caught my husband having an affair a month ago. When I confronted him, he was very unhappy that I was spying on him and he tried to make me the villain in the situation. Once that didn’t work, he very begrudgingly agreed to end the affair and try to save our marriage. However, although he has broken things off with the other woman, he sulks around the house like a kid who has been separated from his favorite toy. He isolates himself so that he can go off and pout. He hasn’t been attending our children’s activities and he will sit himself in his home office and only come out to eat or make phone calls. What can I do about this? And what does it mean when a husband isolates himself after an affair?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.
Why Men Will Sometimes Isolate Themselves After Cheating Or Having An Affair: Many wives assume that husbands isolate themselves as a means to retaliate against or punish the wife for spying or for her confrontation. This isn’t always the case. Some husbands isolate themselves because they are embarrassed or ashamed. They aren’t sure how to act or what to say so they’d rather just remove themselves from an awkward situation. Other times, they don’t feel that they deserve to be around their family. They feel as if their presence brings everyone down and causes more pain so they tell themselves that they’ll save everyone the trouble and make themselves scarce. Finally, sometimes they just want some time to collect themselves before they reintegrate within the family.
Is It Harmful For A Husband To Isolate Himself?: It can be. Some isolation from both husband and wife in the beginning stages after the affair is to be expected. But if this is something that goes on for a long period of time, then it can be a problem, particularly if you truly want to save your marriage. Because you can’t begin to rebuild or move on if you don’t have regular and open access to him. Both people need to be open and willing to interact regularly as you rebuild. If this isn’t happening, then recovery can be delayed or even thwarted.
How To Handle A Husband Who Isolates Himself After Infidelity: In the above example, the wife had pretty much just let her husband isolate himself without comment. I suggested that you address this issue the next time it happened. Perhaps the next time the family had dinner, she might come into his office and ask if she should set a plate for him. If he refused to interact with the family, she might say something like: “I’ve noticed that you’re isolating yourself from us. This isn’t doing either of us any good. I realize that things are a little weird for us right now, but we’re going to have to interact if we want to save our family. I understand that this is uncomfortable for both of us and I’m willing to take this one step at a time. But things aren’t going to get any better if we’re not actively trying each and every day. I would like for you to come and eat dinner with us. The kids miss you and you are their father. They need your presence. Don’t punish them because of our issues. Let’s try to have a pleasant dinner and take it one step at a time.”
Another thing that you can do is to try not to make every encounter awkward or heavy. Of course, things are going to be difficult sometimes, but try to only discuss the painful issues of the affair when the two of you are alone. That way, your husband can feel safe to participate in family life without worrying that the affair is going to come up at any second. It can be important to separate family life from the affair so that the family isn’t negatively affected by something that is definitely not their fault.
I know that your husband isolating himself is probably just one issue that you are dealing with. Recovery can be a slow process, but it can certainly be worth it. I never would’ve believed it years ago, but my marriage and my family did recover after my husband’s affair and we are actually very solid now. I don’t worry that he’s going to cheat again. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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