Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: It can be a relief when your husband says the words you want to hear after you catch him cheating or having an affair. Despite your shock, pain, and anger, it can be reassuring to hear him say that he is sorry, that he will never cheat again, and that he will make this right. In this situation, he’s admittedly saying the correct words and phrases. He’s taking verbal responsibility and making promises for the future. But, when he’s saying everything that you could want to hear from him, why are you having a hard time believing it? And how can you possibly know if you can trust him again?

Here is what I might hear from one of these wives: “Many of my friends say that I am actually lucky that my husband had the ‘correct’ reaction after I caught him cheating on me. He never denied it. He showed remorse right away. He immediately asked me to forgive him. He said he would go to counseling. Then he asked for referrals, and he made the appointment. He has promised that he will do right by me moving forward. He never insinuated that I was crazy when I suspected him. He has never even hinted that any of this is my fault. So yes, I suppose he is saying everything right in this situation. And yet, when he’s saying his little speeches and reciting his eloquent words, I still have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. He hasn’t asked me to just blindly trust him. And I know that he doesn’t expect that. But at some point, I’ll have to believe what he is telling me to be present in my marriage again. Won’t I? And how can I know that it is safe to do that?”

Yes, at some point, in order to have peace in your heart and confidence in your marriage, you will want to believe him. And to trust him. But as someone who has been through this before after my own husband’s infidelity, I can tell you that it is a process that takes both time and careful evaluation of not only his words, but his actions and behaviors also.

There’s Nothing Wrong With Acknowledging That His Words Are Desirable: I believe that it is human nature to meet a cheating spouse with skepticism, regardless of which words are coming out his mouth.

The reason for this is that the same mouth he is now using to make you all sorts of promises and reassurances is the mouth he used to tell you distorted truths and realities so that he could cheat. It is normal to wonder why on earth you should trust him now when you absolutely should not have trusted him then.

That said, many husbands in this situation are actually very indignant and definitely are NOT saying all the right things. Many husbands will try to shift some of the blame onto their faithful wives. Or they will try to downplay their behavior. Or they will pressure their wife into offering very fast (but unearned) forgiveness. Some of these husbands will say they’ll consider counseling but then not go. Or, if you ask them specifics about the affair, they will try to deflect you and not give you a direct answer or they will offer up excuses instead.

By no means am I trying to defend anyone’s husband, but having a husband that takes responsibility and offers reassurances and some sort of plan is certainly preferable to a husband who gives you empty or defensive words.

His Ongoing Behaviors And Actions Will Tell You More Of What You Need To Know: You are right to have some skepticism about what he is promising you. He has a vested interest in making you believe that you can trust him. But it is unfair of him to expect this immediately. You have every right to watch and wait. You SHOULD watch and wait.

In the upcoming days and weeks, his behaviors should match his words. In other words, he should not be promising to make this right and then falling short of the things that will make you feel secure, like being transparent about his whereabouts and activities. A man who is truly trustworthy and sincere will show you, not tell you.

He will let you see his communications, his phone, and his social media. He will come right home and he will spend his spare time with you or in your presence while you are trying to heal.

And yes, this type of scrutiny can get old. But despite this, a sincere husband continues to have patience and do as you have asked of him because he realizes that his own actions have made all this necessary.

When he willingly does all of this – day after day and week after week – many wives will begin to feel a bit safer to trust. When he patiently answers all your questions with honesty and humility, you can begin to feel a bit more confident. When he reassures you when you need it, and doesn’t pressure you to rush the process, his sincerity looks a bit more real.

Look For Repeated Patterns Of Behaviors In Combination With The Words: Hopefully, you see where I am going with this. You are looking for a pattern of repetitive behaviors that leaves no doubt that his actions are going to match his words. A man who is sincere about and still invested in his marriage will act very differently from a husband who just wants to allow the dust to settle so he can go back to his undesirable behaviors.

People can and will say anything when their backs are against the wall. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t telling the truth. But in order to be sure, you’ll need to watch and evaluate as you go.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t act “as if” he’s sincere if this is what you want to do. I usually did give my husband the benefit of the doubt unless and until he gave me a reason not to. I always acted in good faith so long as he acted that way with me. This didn’t mean that I wasn’t doubtful or angry. It just meant that I proceeded with caution for the sake of my kids. My husband always knew that I could (and would) bow out with if his behavior made this necessary.

Thankfully, my husband did make good on his promises. You are welcome to read about our recovery at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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