My Husband Is Showering Me With Gifts After His Cheating And Affair
By: Katie Lersch: Many wives have husbands who are giving them gifts or presents after he has been caught cheating or having an affair. Often, the wives want to know if these gifts indicate guilt. They wonder how they should respond to the gifts and what they mean for their marriage or for their recovery.
One might comment, in part: “I caught my husband having an affair about a month ago. Since that time, he’s been showering me with gifts and flowers. Not a day goes by that I don’t receive flowers, candy, or some sort of jewelry or little trinket. Before the infidelity, I would’ve loved to receive these sorts of things. But now, they feel tainted. They feel as if they are offerings that are only coming out of guilt. Don’t get me wrong. I want my husband to feel guilty. And I’m glad he wants me to forgive me. But more than gifts, I want his genuine remorse and I want for him to make things right between us again. I want him to show me that I trust can trust him. I don’t want him to think that if he spends money on me and buys me these gifts that all will be forgiven. What should I do about this?”
The giving of gifts is very common after the affair. The husband is often struggling to show his remorse and sorrow. So he is hoping that giving his wife presents will show her how much she means to him and how much he is thinking about her. The problem with this is that often, the wives want to hear the husband speak actual words of remorse and reassurance. The wives may well appreciate the gifts, but they don’t want the gift to be a substitute for the husband’s heartfelt words or responses.
Many wives aren’t sure how to respond. They don’t want to reject their husband’s efforts and they don’t want to completely discourage him. But they also want him to know that buying them things doesn’t mean that he is off of the hook just because he brought out his credit card in a few stores. Frankly, many wives also wonder if the trinkets are merely the result of guilt or if they are meant to throw them off the trial if he is still cheating.
I often think it’s best to thank him for the gifts but to also make it clear that they aren’t a substitute for actual words or for actual fidelity and trust. A suggested script would be something like: “I do appreciate the gifts, but what I really want from you is for you to tell me what I mean to you without your letting objects and trinkets talk for you. It doesn’t matter how much you buy for me, I need to hear the words come from your mouth and I need to see the actions coming from your behaviors. I would love rebuilding our marriage and restoring the trust more than I could love any gift that you could ever give me. The piece of mind is worth more to me than any material object. Don’t misunderstand me. I appreciate that you care enough to go out and buy me these things. But material possessions won’t matter all that much to me if our marriage is in trouble or if I don’t feel that I can trust you. Will you do something for me? Will you also write me a letter or tell me what you were thinking when you wanted to buy me something? Because knowing the thoughts and feelings behind the present mean more to me than the present itself.”
Notice that I was careful not to make this feel like a rejection. You do want to acknowledge that you appreciate the thought process behind the gift. But you want to make it clear that you are going to need more than material possessions. In other words, while you are encouraged at the feelings and the thought process that must have taken place when he was picking out the gifts, you are going to need more than this going forward. You need for him to do the talking for himself, not through tangible objects.
My husband did rely on gifts a lot in the days and week after the affair. I eventually had to make it very clear that the gifts were not going to be enough. Once we established this understanding, I was able to get more of what I needed from him. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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