Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Some wives are surprised to see their husband so angry after being forced to break off his affair. The wives often aren’t sure about the source of his anger and when (or if) it will end. One of these wives might say: “I’d suspected that my husband had been cheating for a while but he kept denying it. So I started digging around on his computer and phone and before long I caught him without too much effort. When I confronted him, he was quite angry at me for snooping, but I didn’t let that keep me from telling him that he needed to break things off with her immediately.  He pleaded with me to give him some time to sort out his feelings and to figure out what he wanted to do.  He said he was torn and confused.  This wasn’t acceptable to me so I gave him an ultimatum.  Basically, I told him that he could choose her and get ready for a costly divorce and limited access to his kids or he could choose me and cut off any and all contact with her.  After thinking about it for a while, he decided that he chose me.  But this hasn’t brought that relief that I had hoped for.  Because ever since then he’s been moping around and acting downright angry.  In fact the other day, I started asking him questions to make sure that he isn’t seeing the other woman anymore and he became so angry he slammed the dish he was holding onto the floor.  Why all the anger and rage?  And how can I help him to get past his anger so that we can move on?”

There are various reasons that a husband might be angry in this situation.  I’ll discuss some of these reasons in the following article.

He Might Be Embarrassed And Ashamed:  I feel that the most common reason that men show a lot of frustration and anger after being caught cheating or having an affair is that they are often quite embarrassed and ashamed. They are fully aware that they have been caught doing something everyone one knows is wrong and now they might be scrambling to come up with an explanation for their behavior (when they may not even understand the source of their actions themselves.)  Couple this with a spouse who is looking at them with eyes that are full of disappointment, and you have the perfect scenario for frustration and shame.  These emotions can give way to anger because the husband knows that there is really no justification for his actions and therefore no excuse that is going to stop his wife from wanting more information, which of course keeps his embarrassment and shame going.

He May Be Mad At Himself:  Although many husbands won’t admit this, many are more mad at themselves than anyone else.  Many are fully aware that they have made a very serious mistake.  But sometimes, pride or being indignant will keep him from admitting this to himself or to his wife.  So instead of reflecting inward, he lashes out in an outward manner and he directs as anger at everyone in his path rather than at himself.

He May Be Trying To Use Anger To Keep His Wife At A Distance:  Many husbands will use anger as a means of posturing.  They figure if they can keep you at arm’s length, this might limit all of the questions and demands that you may have of them.   They’re afraid that if they crack, show sorrow or beg for your forgiveness, then they’ve now put themselves at a tactical disadvantage.  So some husbands figure they will try playing hardball to see if you will back off.

He Might Be Frustrated That He Wasn’t Given The Time To Make His Own Choices:  Many husbands will feel anger and resentment when they are given ultimatums, even when their wives are well within their rights to do so.  Husbands in this situation are sometimes frustrated that they didn’t have the opportunity to make their own decisions in their own time.  Some of them will even build up the affair even more in their minds because they think that it didn’t come to a natural end.  Of course, over time the affair would have likely fizzled out, but the husband often cannot see that for himself.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Exhibiting Anger After His Affair:  I believe that it’s best to not attempt to confront him or engage with him.  I understand that you may feel completely justified in being offended by his anger.  After all, what is happening right now is one hundred percent his own fault.  But often, if you point this out, all you will get is more anger and less resolution.  So my suggestion is to calmly let him know that you although you don’t understand or agree with his anger, you are leaving him to it without engaging.

You might say something like: “your anger isn’t helping us.  I’m not sure why you’re directing your frustration at me because I haven’t done anything wrong.  When you calm down and are ready to interact calmly and constructively, then we can begin to move on.  But right now, we’re in a situation where there’s no moving forward until you are more calm.”

In short, I suggest trying to disarm him and let him know that his posturing or self-pity just isn’t going to work.  I suggest being direct, but calm.  The key is to let him know that you are leaving him to his anger, refusing to engage, but are willing to talk more once he calms down.

My husband did attempt the whole posturing thing with some anger in the early days following his affair.  I made it clear pretty early on that I wasn’t going to tolerate it so he abandoned this strategy and we were able to begin moving on.  If it helps, you read more of that story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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