My Husband Is Very Attentive And Affectionate After His Affair, But I Don’t Trust It
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who honestly can’t find any fault with the way that their husband is acting toward them. Typically, he is being very affectionate after his affair- almost overly so. And this can make the wife doubt his sincerity and she can question her ability to trust his actions.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had an affair about three months ago. Since I found out, my husband has fallen over himself trying to be accommodating and affectionate to me. Honestly, at first I liked it. But lately, I have started to question it. Frankly, he has not been this loving to me in years. It makes me think that he isn’t being genuine and it makes me question his motives. I wonder if he is being this way just to make me put down my guard. I wonder if he’s overcompensating because of his guilt or because he is cheating again. In short, I’m very suspicious of his behavior. But when I asked my friend about this, she said I was overreacting. She said that his being overly loving is much better than him being cold and distant, which is what her husband did after he cheated. Am I overreacting?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.
Know That It May Be Too Early To Access The Authenticity Of His Behavior: What this wife was feeling was actually very common. It’s normal to question your husband’s claims and his behaviors, especially when it comes to how he feels about you after he has been unfaithful. After all, it was only three months ago that he was betraying you, going behind your back, and cheating. So it can be hard to believe that suddenly, not so much later, he can suddenly be so in love with you and showing you the affection that you haven’t seen in years. Of course you are going to question his motives when just a short time ago, his motives were less than honorable.
In Time, The Truth Usually Reveals Itself: It might make you feel a little better if you know that very often, his true feelings become evident eventually. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say that his showing this affection isn’t really genuine. If this is the case, it’s highly unlikely that he is going to be able to keep it up forever. If what he’s showing you aren’t his true feelings, then the cracks will show in time. I know that it is frustrating to think that you will have to just bide your time and wait. But in the meantime, you can focus on your own healing and on receiving more information as it comes.
Know That You Don’t Have To Make An Immediate Decision About This: Many people feel as if they have to make a decision about their husband’s sincerity immediately. Or, they feel as if they need to decide right away if they will save their marriage or give up. There is no deadline for which to make a decision. There is nothing wrong with waiting and watching. There is nothing wrong with taking in the information as it becomes available to you and then evaluating and making decisions as you go along. You do not have to feel pressured to do any one thing. Take your time and make decisions as you feel certainty instead of doubt.
Know That Some Husbands Show Affection Because They Know That They Almost Lost You: It’s normal to question your husband’s affection after infidelity. But I can tell you that many husbands in this situation comment on my blog and tell me that suddenly they can not reassure their wife enough because it is now very clear that their foolish actions have now threatened what is the most important to them. Yes, they are overcompensating. But they are doing this because they have come face to face with the risk of losing you. Understanding this risk can be very humbling and it can contribute to them wanting to let you know just how much you are loved and just how sorry they truly are.
That’s not to say that there aren’t husbands out there who are insincere and who are only showing affection to get themselves out of trouble or to get themselves in your good graces again. But some husbands in this situation are very sincere and are showing you affection because that is the way that they truly feel.
So to answer the original concern, I don’t blame you for feeling some doubt. I felt the same way. But it turned out that my husband was sincere and he has shown my this over a very long period of time. It can help to vow to just watch and wait. Because most of the time, his true feelings and intentions become obvious over time. If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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