Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives tell me they keep asking the same questions about the affair, even when they know they’ve asked them before. That’s not because they’re forgetful or obsessed. It’s because his answers didn’t satisfy something.

He may be doing the bare minimum to get by. Perhaps he is sort of telling you what happened, but not how he felt about it, and what led up to it. Maybe he’s giving you vague, surface-level responses instead of showing real regret. Perhaps he’s being defensive or annoyed instead of open and compassionate.

If that’s happening, it’s no wonder you’re still asking. He isn’t telling you what you’ve actually asked and what you really need to know. The conversation isn’t done until your heart feels hard. You feel like he’s not making your recovery and healing his priority – which is exactly what you need for him to do.

What Can You Say To Nudge Him Forward: You probably already know this, but telling your husband that his responses are woefully inadequate typically won’t get him to start fessing up. The more you nag, guilt, and shame him, the more likely he is to zip his lips.

Sometimes it helps to gently say something like: “I’m not trying to keep us stuck. I’m trying to move forward, too. But I need a different kind of answer — something that helps me understand exactly what happened and why. And what are you going to do to address it so that I could one day trust again. I need specific details and not vague responses. Can we have some specific discussions so that we can begin to move on?”

When you ask for what you truly need instead of repeating the same conversation, you might be surprised how things shift.

If He’s Tired of the Fallout, Remind Him That You Didn’t Choose This. And You Want To Move On As Much As He Does: It can feel incredibly unfair when the person who broke your heart wants to skip to the part where everyone feels better. But he may be acting from fear — fear that he’ll never be anything other than the guy who cheated. Fear that you’ll never smile at him again. Fear that he can’t fix what he broke. Fear that NOTHING he says can ever truly satisfy you. Because, no matter how you cut it, his answers aren’t satisfying. How could they be?

You can acknowledge that fear without letting him off the hook.

You might say: “I understand this is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too. But I didn’t choose this. Still, I want to move forward. And we can’t skip the part where we rebuild trust. To that, I’m going to need answers and information. And you are the only one who can provide that.”

Stress That It’s Possible For You To Let Go Eventually — But Only Once You’ve Been Given What You Need: Letting go isn’t about forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt. It’s not about sticking your head in the sand and conceding you’ll just go along to get along. It’s about accepting nothing less than what you need to heal. If that’s information, don’t stop until you get it.

You can always try coming at him in another way, telling him you can’t move forward until you’ve given the information, or trying to negotiate what it will take for him to open up. If he gives you vague information, tell him that will not cut it and why. But don’t just fold.

There may come a time when he wants affection, companionship, or intimacy from you. There’s your bargaining chip. You can tell him that you’d like to, but you can’t move forward until you have the information you need. Here’s his chance to give it you so that you can both get what you want.

Part of my recovery after my own husband’s affair was being seen and being given what I needed and what I asked for. Did I sometimes have to ask for it more than once? Sure. Did I sometimes have to demand it very forcefully? Or even negotiate for it with bargaining chips? You bet. But did I give up? Never. I knew that I would never be able to put it behind me until got what I needed to know.

If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. Take your time. Come at it methodically. But don’t STP coming at it. Don’t settle. Ask for what you still need. And if your husband really wants to rebuild, he’ll hang in there with you. He’ll meet you with integrity because he WANTS to help you heal. He’ll realize that even though giving you the information is painful for him, it’s fair game. Because it is the result of his own actions.

You can read more about how I navigated this exact journey at https://surviving-the-affair.com.

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