Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Not all wives with cheating husbands have the luxury of experiencing the actions associated with remorse.  What I mean by this is that some wives have a husband who claims that he isn’t sorry or who blames her for his own actions.  These wives may long for the remorseful husband who is falling all over himself to apologize.

But the wives on the other side of the fence aren’t always receptive to all of this remorse.  Because many of them doubt the sincerity of it and find it just a little bit hypocritical.  For example, a wife might describe this situation: “ever since I caught my husband cheating, he’s been chasing me around and trying to explain it to me.  In my eyes, there is really nothing to explain.  I mean, I suppose he could give me his theories as to why he did it, but I honestly do not want more information about the other woman or their relationship.  I am simply not interested in the ‘whys.’  All I need to know is that the affair happened and that’s honestly more than enough information for me.  I guess because I won’t allow him to spill his guts, my husband has taken to letter writing.  I will get out of the shower when my husband has already gone for the day and find that he has left me yet another note on the kitchen table.  In these notes of his, he tells me that he is so very sorry.  He tells me that I am the best wife that a man could ask for and he admits how very stupid he was.  He goes on and on about what a wonderful life we could have – if I just give us that chance. Honestly, these letters make me angry and I have told him as much.  But his excuse is that I will not listen to him face-to-face.  So he has no choice but to write the letters. Well, if he had not cheated on me, no one would need any letters.  And his words infuriate me.  Perfect wife, huh?  Well if that were true, he wouldn’t have cheated.  Prove it to me?  Good luck with that.  My sister kind of feels sorry for my husband because I reject him so completely.  But the letters do nothing for me.  How do I get him to stop?  The weird thing is that I don’t know why I don’t just leave.  I’m angry enough to leave, but every time I think about doing so, something stops me.  I guess in my heart, I do wish it would be different.  But I doubt that it can.  What is done is now done.  There’s no going back. And the letters only make it fresh every single day.”

I understand your perception, but I would like to attempt to offer at least a little perspective.  There could never be any excuse for your husband’s cheating. I won’t try to make excuses.  But I can tell you that not all husbands try as hard as yours is.  It may not matter to you.  And you may ultimately decide to reject the entire thing.  That would be your absolute right and it would be understandable.

But, it does appear that he is trying very hard to express what he is feeling.  Not all wives get this. Many get angry and indignant husbands that almost feel justified in their cheating and who show very little regard for their wife’s pain. I am not saying that you have to accept the sentiment of your husband’s letters.  Not at all.  But to give credit where it is due, he is doing more than most.

However, that said, you have every right to choose how you are going to accept his message.  Just because he writes the words, that doesn’t mean you have to accept or heed the words.  You may decide to reject them.  You may decide that you don’t want to listen to them because you are done with this marriage.

Or, you might decide that at some point you may want to listen to what he is saying, but for now, you don’t want to read these letters.  If that is the case you might try something like: “listen, we need to talk.  While I appreciate the effort that you are putting into these letters, I want to save us both some time and tell you that for right now, I am just not ready to receive the message, no matter how many times you write it.  I just need some time.  I am not sure when I will be ready to hear you.  But when I am, I will let you know and we can talk about it face-to-face.”

This might discourage him from continuing to write the letters so that you won’t get frustrated as much.  He may be trying to reach you in the only manner that he thinks he has left.  He probably isn’t trying to anger you.  He may just want you to listen and he doesn’t know of any other method.

Plus, when people cheat, it’s hard for them to give you time because they are panicked that they are going to lose you.  But perhaps if he understands that his panic is making things worse and not better, he may back off a little.

My husband took to overly-dramatic behavior when he was trying to get through to me about his affair.  After some time passed, he realized that this wasn’t doing him much good, so he gave me the time I needed.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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