Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who very much regret being involved in a love triangle with their own spouse. Usually, this starts when one of the spouses has an affair and decides that they want to be with the other person. So, they will leave the faithful spouse in order to be in the other relationship. But it doesn’t end there. For whatever reason, the cheating spouse decides to continue on with a sexual relationship with their spouse.  So that now they are cheating on the other person with their own spouse. And this can leave the faithful spouse wondering if they should blow the lid off of the whole thing.

Common comments in this situation are things like “my husband decided to leave our family for the other woman. What a cliche that is, right? I begged him not to go and to consider our children. He told me that he still loved me and didn’t really want to go. But given the fact that he felt like he had to make a choice, he ultimately choose the other woman. He moved out of our home and went to live with her. That was about four months ago. He comes by daily to visit with our children. Over those visits, we have started to talk and then one things lead to another and now we are sleeping together on a regular basis. Of course, this hasn’t seemed to change anything for him and he goes right back home to the other woman. I am sure that he is having a sexual relationship with both of us. And I don’t think this is fair. I am very mad at myself that I continue on in this way. I’ve started to consider telling the other woman that my husband is still sleeping with me. Maybe she will end their relationship so that we can get back together. What do you think of this plan?”

I have to be honest and say that I very much understand the wife’s motivation. Sleeping with him is a way to get back at the other woman and to take your power back. And let’s face it. He’s still your husband. Your can’t just turn your feelings off. I even understand why you want to tell her about the situation. It would likely hurt you and allow her to see how it feels when someone betrays you.

Although all of this sounds good in theory, I don’t think that this whole situation is very healthy. Unless you truly don’t care about fidelity in your marriage, continuing to sleep with your husband when he’s with someone else is only allowing him not to make up his mind and not to be faithful to one person. Not only that, but you are staying on a roller coaster ride with no end in sight. It has to emotionally draining and also hurtful.

That’s why I would recommend thinking long and hard about if you want to continue on with the way that things are and whether doing so is in your best interest. I know that this is difficult, but I would recommend ending the physical relationship until he has made a decision to re enter the marriage and to be faithful. Of course, you will still have an emotional relationship with him because of your children. But I think that at some point, you have to draw the line and force him to make a real decision between the two of you. At this point, you have to ask yourself if he deserves to have a physical relationship with you.

As far as telling the other woman, I understand why you want to do this, but I don’t think that this is the best idea either. It is just inserting more negativity in an already bad situation. It may hurt her, but I’m not certain that she would be completely surprised. Considering the way her relationship started with your husband, do you really think she expects complete fidelity forever? The truth is, if their relationship is on such shaky ground that he is still sleeping with you, then I would doubt their relationship is strong and lasting anyway. They will likely have problems with out your needing to say anything.

A suggested script for your husband might be something like: “I’ve been thinking about our situation. You know that I love you and enjoy being with you, but I can’t go on like this anymore. Until you end the relationship with the other woman, I can’t continue to have a physical relationship with you. I need to know that you are fully committed to me and that she is out of the picture before I can resume a physical relationship. This isn’t fair to anyone involved and we are all being so dishonest. Of course, we will always be connected because of the kids, but this can’t continue in the way that it is.”

At that point, the decision is going to be up to your husband. When it is clear that he must make a firm decision, then he may be a little more motivated to do just that.  But I believe that you have to think of yourself first and most of all.  And when you are worrying about hurting the other woman, then you aren’t fully doing that.  Your healing has to come before anything (and anyone) else.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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