Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Many wives who are dealing with infidelity confess to me that they feel that if they could just get their husband to leave or break things off with the other woman, they could save their marriage and move on with their lives.  So, many of them rejoice when their husband finally ends the relationship with the mistress or other woman, thinking that the bulk of their problems are over.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case because sometimes, this woman has a very hard time letting the husband go or bowing out gracefully.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband ended the relationship with the other woman, but she refuses to accept this.  And she’s determined to destroy our marriage.  She is constantly sending messages on my Facebook account or emails that says things like ‘do you know where your husband is?’  Or, she will send photos of them and claim that they were taken recently when my husband swears that they are old pictures.   Part of me has some doubt about this, but in one of the photos he’s wearing a shirt that he no longer has, so I know that she’s lying about that one.  One time, she told my husband that she saw me with another man and texted him to ask if he was sure I wasn’t cheating to get back at him.  That other man was my boss who I am not even remotely attracted to and we were having a lunch meeting with a few other coworkers.  There was nothing inappropriate about it.   She’s even mailed old letters my husband wrote to her just to hurt me or to make me doubt him.  She’s told people that we are getting divorced and even claimed that they were still together.  This makes me doubt my husband and it makes saving our marriage more difficult. How can I get her out of our lives once and for all because I don’t want to allow her to continue to harm my marriage and I want her out of my life.”

This can really become a nightmare situation and it’s not all that uncommon, especially when the relationship outside of the marriage ends abruptly or without any “closure.”  I even sometimes have the mistress or “other woman” contact me on my “surviving the affair” website and ask for insights on how to get the husband to come back.  And many say that it’s just very difficult to close the door when one day he was present and enthusiastic and the next day, he’s completely committed to his wife with whom he was previously claiming to have serious problems with.  And even though I’ve been the wife on the other side of the equation, I do sometimes understand the other woman’s difficulty to abruptly change course, seemingly overnight. But this doesn’t excuse the behavior.

And with that said, in my view, the other woman usually truly doesn’t have any real claim to the husband as he is in a marriage with someone else.  As painful as it might be, the commendable thing would be to let him go – no matter how hard this may be.  In the following article, I will offer wives some insight on how to encourage the other woman to do just that.

Make Sure The Other Woman Truly Understands That Their Relationship Is Over Whether Your Marriage Survives Or Not: Sometimes, when you talk to the other woman in this situation, she will claim that the husband wasn’t very strong in his resolve to remain with his wife.  In other words, when he breaks it off, he may (at least in her opinion) use words that make it sound as if he isn’t really sure about his feelings or he’ll imply (at least in her mind) that he’s going back to his wife out of a sense of obligation.  He may tell her that he feels that he owes it to his kids or to his wife to try his best to keep the family together, and she may think that his body language is telling her that this isn’t truly what he wants.

And frankly, she will often see exactly what she wants to see. If she thinks that your marriage’s failure means that he will eventually come back to her, then she might set out to ensure that this is exactly what happens.  That’s why it’s very important that the husband makes it clear that the relationship is over no matter what happens with the marriage.  So the message should not be: “I’m ending the affair to try to save my marriage.”  Instead, the message should be: “I’m ending the affair because the relationship is wrong, is based on deception, and just is never going to work for me and there’s not anything that is going to change my mind.”

There’s a big difference between the two and drawing this distinction can encourage her to see that destroying your marriage isn’t going to save their relationship.  And frankly, this message needs to come from your husband (preferably not face to face) rather than you because she isn’t likely to believe you anyway.

Make Sure The Other Woman Understands That, Ultimately, Her Antics Just Aren’t Going To Change Things: I certainly understood the wife’s being extremely upset with the other woman’s behavior.  It’s challenging to save your marriage after an affair, but it’s even more difficult when she won’t leave you alone.  With that said, it’s important to create a united front.  It’s important that she eventually comes to see that her antics truly are a waste of her time and her emotional energy because they truly don’t change anything.

Don’t let her see that she’s upset you.  Don’t respond to her and give her the satisfaction of knowing that she’s getting to you.  Because if you do, this only encourages you to keep right on doing it.  Encourage those mutual friends that she’s been approaching to assure her that the two of you continue to move forward with your marriage, regardless of her attempts to destroy it.  Try to force yourself to automatically delete her communications.  Mark the letters “return to sender” and send them back. Block her on any electronic accounts.  All of these things will encourage her to understand that her plan just isn’t going to work.  Hopefully, eventually, as you continue to remain united with your husband and she continues to see that her behaviors aren’t changing anything for her, she will conclude that she just isn’t getting any pay off for her efforts and will move on.

With all of this said, I know that some women get or accept this message sooner than others.  If she won’t take the hint or you feel threatened, do not hesitate to get law enforcement involved if that becomes necessary.  Sometimes, it takes a third party in authority to drive the message home.

I know that you likely just want this woman out of your life, but don’t give her the satisfaction or the knowledge that she’s getting to you and resist engaging with her.  She’s just trying to shift your focus away from saving your marriage – which is the last thing she wants.  So, that should make saving your marriage after the affair your first priority.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to do this on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

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