My Husband Lied About Me To The Other Woman In The Affair
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who have just learned some of the details about their husband’s affair. Understandably, they are hurt by both the act of him cheating and by the betrayal and the lies that he used to carry out the behavior. Many wives are surprised and furious to learn that they themselves were the subject of many of these lies. Some find out that the husband denied their existence or painted them out to be someone who they definitely are not.
She might say: “I only know this because the other woman posted to me on Facebook. I hate that she did that. I want nothing to do with her. But she did tell me some interesting information. She actually apologized and said that she honestly didn’t know about me in the beginning. My husband told her that he was recently divorced. Later, she found out about me through her own digging because my husband acted secretive. At that time, she found out that I existed so she confronted him and he admitted that he was married, but then told her that he wanted to divorce me. He said that he had to move slowly because he knew that I would try to take him from everything, including the kids. She actually then looked at my facebook and saw the RECENT pictures of us looking happy and she knew that he was lying, so she broke it off. She’s right that these are all lies. Until I found out about the affair, my husband and I were actually trying to have another baby. We’d just closed on a house. As best as I could tell, he was planning on continuing to be married to me as we were making plans for the future. When the other woman confronted him, he basically told her that he lied because he knew that if she discovered he was married, she wouldn’t have given him a chance. Well, he was right about that. I have to hand that to her. When I question my husband about lying and whether he really planned to leave me and try to get custody of the kids, he insists that he had no plans to break up our family. He claims that he doesn’t know why he had the affair and admits that it was very stupid. But he says in his defense that he only planned for it to be a temporary thing that would really change nothing for us. Well, it’s changed everything for me. And the weird thing is, my husband is not normally a liar. He’s been honest to me about everything else. So why would he suddenly turn into this huge, blatant liar? I’m just stunned by this.”
I understand why you are so upset. Sometimes, the betrayal actually feels worse than the act itself. I know that this may not matter to you right now, but it’s so very common for men to lie during the affair. They will tell the other woman that their wife is abusive or ill. They will tell her there’s been some delay in the divorce or separation process. They’ll tell her that if she’ll just wait, he will sort all of this out. Does he mean any of it? Not usually. He’s saying these things because he wants to make it easier for her to cheat with him. And he wants to justify it in his own mind. He knows that any decent person is going to hesitate to start a relationship with a man who is not only married, but who plans to stay married. So, to get around that, he has to paint a picture that isn’t reality. People will sometimes go to great extremes to make the cheating and the guilt a little easier to take.
I can’t tell you what to do with this information. I know that it is very hurtful. It doesn’t always matter when he claims that he didn’t mean what he said. He still said it. He minimized your marriage and out and out told untruths about you. That’s a big betrayal and it can hurt deeply. You may see this as a deal breaker or you may ultimately want to give him a chance to make this right for the sake of your family. If you go that route, I’d highly suggest counseling or self help because this is going to create a very deep wound. Telling untruths may be a very common tactic by a married man. But it’s still a very hurtful tactic and it’s still extremely damaging. He will need to do a lot of work to convince you that he didn’t mean what he said and doesn’t believe his own lies. He’ll also have to work very hard to restore the trust because if he doesn’t, you will always wonder what additional tales he’s spinning.
I think that right now, you have to focus on what you know for sure. You KNOW that you aren’t a terrible wife and mother or a vengeful person who was trying to take his kids. You know that you are a good person who doesn’t deserve what happened. You know that you love your children and will do your best to make this as easy on them as is possible. And you know that you deserve a loving and faithful spouse who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. (That’s not to say that some spouses can’t be rehabilitated to be loving and faithful.) This is possible, should you want to do the work. But you deserve no less – whether it is with your current spouse or someone else.
Ultimately, I did save my marriage after infidelity. But I always believed that I deserved fidelity and loyalty. And I demanded the same. We had a lot of work to do and we slogged through it. This wasn’t always easy, but I have never regretted not breaking up my family. My husband stepped up to the plate and I was willing to give him that chance for the sake of my family. You can read more on my blog at at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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