Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are extremely upset that their unfaithful husband is trying to resume their sex life far too soon. Often, it’s not that the wife never wants to have sex with her husband again.  It’s just that the pain is very fresh and she wants to rebuild the emotional aspects of the marriage before she trusts the physical aspects of the marriage once again.

I heard from a wife who said: “it’s only been eight days since I found out about my husband’s affair.  Even though I am devastated and hurt, I’ve agreed not to kick my husband out until I decide what I really want to do.  I’m trying not to be outright hostile to him but of course I am very angry.  Last night,I agreed to let my husband take me out to dinner because our daughter wanted to go to her school’s restaurant night.  I have to admit that we had a good time. It felt good to laugh even if it was only for a minute.  That night, after we put our daughter to bed, we were still getting along reasonably well.  I didn’t feel any need to put an end to our good time, but my husband took it all the wrong way.  He kissed me and then started pawing at my clothes.  I was horrified.  I told him I was tired and that I was going to sleep in the other room.  I then sat there awake and wondering if I had given him the wrong impression and how I should have handled it.  I am definitely not ready to have sex with him. The thought of it actually could not turn me off more.  I would only think about him with the other woman. I don’t trust him right now. I am not even sure if I love him anymore. I have no intentions of having sex with him until I am satisfied that he is rehabilitated, but I’m not sure if I should spell this out for him.  Regardless of what I say though, I am very clear on the fact that I am nowhere near ready to have sex with him.”

I understood what this wife was feeling. It took quite a while before I was comfortable resuming our sex life after my husband’s affair.  I make no apologies for this.  I believe that it is the wife’s right to set the pace because she is the one who has been hurt by the husband’s behavior.  Frankly, sex is often the last thing that is fixed  because there are just so many emotions tied up in it.  Since by definition, infidelity occurs when a spouse has sex with someone else, it makes sense that sex is often one of the biggest issues when you are trying to rebuild. You have a right to set the pace.  I will tell you how to begin to set the boundaries below.

Don’t Let Fear Drive You To Do Something That You Are Not Ready To Do: I respected this wife for not just giving in.  Many wives will go ahead and fold because they worry that if they don’t resume sex with their husband, then he will find someone else.  While I completely understand this concern, it isn’t in your best interest to give into this type of worry.  If he is really committed to you, to your marriage, and to reconciliation, then he will wait.  And frankly, your setting boundaries actually sets the tone.  It tells him that you are not moving forward until you see rehabilitation.  And that alone gives him an incentive to be very serious about making this right.

Rushed Sex Isn’t Always The Best Sex: Also, frankly sometimes if you rush sex after an affair, the whole scenario is a disaster. It’s awkward, it’s not very sexy, and rather than feeling passion, you just feel anger, resentment, or resignation.  Both of you deserve more than this.  I believe that it is worth it to wait until the time is right and to wait until you feel the desire both emotionally and physically.

How To Broach This Topic: Obviously, you don’t want to give your husband the idea that you never want to have sex with him again or that, no matter what he does, you are going to close that door to him.  Instead, you want to be clear that you are just not ready right now, but if you are both successful in rebuilding your marriage, then you will be open at that time.

A suggested script might be something like: “do you have a minute?  Can we sit down and talk about the other night?  I just want to let you know that it was nice to go out as a family.  I enjoyed it very much.  And I don’t want to give you the wrong idea about how it ended.  I have to be honest and tell you that I’m not ready for sex right now.  I am still trying to process this and we are just beginning to heal our marriage.  I need to feel the trust and the emotional connection before I can resume our physical relationship.  I don’t know how long this is going to take.  But I can tell you that I am as motivated to make this happen as you are.  It will help if you are patient.  It will show me that rebuilding our marriage is more important to you than just falling into bed.  I hope you understand.  I am not saying that I’m never going to want to be intimate with you again.  I’m just saying that I’m not ready right at this moment.  And I suspect that the sooner we start to heal, the sooner we can resume our sex life.”

Many wives will feel guilty about having is conversation.  But there is no need for this.  You deserve to set the pace.  You deserve to decide when you are comfortable.  And since your husband put this whole thing into motion, he should understand this and have a little patience, although I know that this is difficult for some husbands.

As I alluded to, I waited until it was obvious that the time was right.  I had enough doubts about my marriage so I didn’t want to add sex to the list of issues.  It turned out that this was the right call, as sex is no longer an issue.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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