Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are very disappointed that their husband won’t stand up and be accountable after he cheated and had an affair. Instead, he is just becoming frustrated, throwing up his hands, and says he can’t deal with all of this.

I heard from wife who said: “my husband cheated on me with my children’s older baby sitter. She’s a grown woman and unemployed so she was watching our kids for some extra spending money. I never suspected that my husband would even be remotely attracted to her, much less that he would cheat on me with her. And actually, she is the one who told me about their relationship. She said that she has developed real feelings for my husband. When I confronted my husband, he insisted that he didn’t have real feelings for her. He promised to break things off and she doesn’t watch our kids anymore. We are trying to pick up the pieces, but sometimes my husband gets very angry and says that he just can not handle all of these emotions. He sees me having negative emotions and he is angry at himself. He says that it is just too much for any couple or marriage to handle. I agree that the emotions are difficult, but what are we supposed to do? Just give up when things get unpleasant? To be honest, I think that my husband is going to deal with unpleasant emotions regardless of whether we are together or not. He made an awful mistake that showed his flaws. He has to deal with that regardless of where he is in his life or who he is with. How do I make him see this?”

This is not an uncommon situation although it is most certainly a frustrating one. It is more common for the faithful spouse to be overwhelmed by their emotions, but it isn’t unheard of for the cheating spouse to experience this also. And yes, it is normal for the person experiencing this to just want to shut down or walk away. But the wife was right in thinking that doing so wasn’t going to solve anything. Regardless of whether you are trying to save your marriage or if you give up or walk away, you are going to have to deal with your feelings and your emotions. Believe me when I say that as much as you might want for them to, they aren’t going to go away unless and until you work through them. I will offer some suggestions on how to make you spouse understand this below.

Be Willing To Allow Both Of You To Take A Break When Things Get Too Intense: When you are trying to save your marriage, it can feel as if you don’t have any time to lose. It feels just awful to feel so lost and injured, so you are motivated to do a lot of work in a very short amount of time.

However, sometimes when you are trying to do such intense work, the emotions can become a bit overwhelming which can make a bad situation even worse. When this point comes, sometimes you are better off just taking a break and regrouping when you can. This doesn’t mean that you have to split up. But it can mean that you take a couple of days without rehashing the affair. You may want to just take some things off the table until the situation calms down.

Does this mean that all he has to do is pretend to be overwhelmed so that he gets a free pass? Absolutely not. Obviously, you have to use your own judgement as to when he is being genuine and when he is just trying to manipulate the situation so that he is not having to be accountable for his actions. And obviously if he tries to play this card too often, then you will want to reevaluate.

But sometimes, you can both get so overwhelmed with the negative feelings that you can’t really see things clearly and you aren’t moving forward. That’s when it makes sense to pause until you can both be more objective.

So my suggestion would be that the next time he expresses that he’s overwhelmed by all of the emotions, you might respond with something like: “well, I feel overwhelmed too. This isn’t easy but it is our reality. Obviously, we’ve hit a spot where we are both frustrated and overwhelmed. Why don’t we take a break for a few days and revisit this when we are both more able to do so? I am not saying that we are going to ignore reality but I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with taking some time to allow things to calm down. We may just have to pace ourselves. With that said, by no means do I want for you to think that I don’t expect for you to be accountable or that I don’t expect for you to plough through the tough times. I do. Frankly, we are going to have to deal with the negative emotions regardless. Until we address them, they are going to keep coming up. So why don’t we just gradually address them as we are able but remain committed to our marriage and to overcoming this?”

I’m not saying that this conversation is going to fix all of your problems, but perhaps it will allow him to see that you are willing to be a little more flexible as long as he is willing to being accountable and to gradually moving forward. Either of your needing time doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or that your marriage can’t be saved.  This is a difficult situation and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed but it’s important to gradually move forward anyway.

When I used to feel overwhelmed in the after math of my husband’s affair, I learned to pause.  Because if I didn’t, then I would lash out, say things I regretted and make the whole thing worse.  Eventually, I tried to use my negative emotions as a cue to do something kind or healthy for myself.  This helped to break up the negative cycle until I was able to recover.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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