Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When wives find out that there is “another woman” in their husband’s lives, they often assume that the lure of the other woman was her looks, or her sexual attraction, or her age. Wives are sometimes confused when the husband claims that it is the other woman’s attitude or personality that was the draw.

A wife might explain: “I assumed that when I confronted my husband about his cheating, he would agree to end it. He hasn’t. He keeps saying that he isn’t sure what he wants. I have followed him around endlessly asking him why he is doing this. We have a family and I believed that our marriage was a good one. My husband is very unorganized and I am very organized and I always figured we balanced each other out. He has never told me that he doesn’t like me taking the lead on organizing our home and our family. But now he says that one thing that draws him to the other woman is that she makes him feel so comfortable. He says that he can be himself around her and just ‘let his hair down and relax.’ He says that she never nags him. He says that she never makes demands or expects him to act a certain way or do certain things. But he says that I make him feel anxious and that if he doesn’t act in a certain way, then I am disappointed in him. He says he always feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. And that my expectations for him are too high. I am not sure what to make of this. He’s never complained about this before. And now suddenly he makes it sound like I’m a task master. This is confusing and upsetting to say the least. How am I supposed to compete when all of a sudden he is telling me that he doesn’t like my personality and that he’s suddenly  so unhappy with our marriage and home life?”

Why This Is Sort Of A Catch 22: This is a tough situation. And many husbands will say the same – that its a relief to be in a relationship with a woman that doesn’t ask much of them. But what the men do not realize is that what he’s seeing from her is typically not real. So he is not comparing apples to apples. Of course she is going to act laid back and like she wants nothing in return. That is how she lures him into it. If he started out making demands or having expectations, then it would not be nearly as alluring. But this “no expectations relationship” is not sustainable. Who is going to want to be in a long term relationship where they are allowed to ask for nothing in return?

Another consideration is that many men will offer up this explanation as, at least in part, a way to get you to back off of your demands and requests. You can become afraid to be too angry or too critical about the affair because once again, you are making him feel “anxious.” But of course, you have every right to be angry and to ask him to make concessions because of what he did. But you may feel you can’t because he’ll call you “critical” the second that you do.

Helping Him To See What Is Really Happening: So you’re in a really difficult situation. It may help to see someone to help both you and your spouse see this in a different way. A really good therapist may help your spouse see that he is not dealing with reality. And because the therapist is doing it, you will not be the one who seems judgmental or critical. People don’t always go to a therapist to save their marriage after an affair. Sometimes, they go just to help maintain civility in their family while they are going through this process. They help you to deal with what is happening in a way that is best for your kids, and ultimately, best for you.

Sometimes, it ends up helping the marriage anyway because it gives the husband a new perspective on what he is doing. It helps him see reality in a way that the wife never could. And if not, it can at least help you to transition positively.  And it can help support you when you feel criticized for something that he never complained about before.  Plus, it may help you to determine if there’s any validity to his claims that you’re too controlling.

If you back away for fear of making him feel anxiety, you are not really addressing the problem. But if you tell him that he’s acting like a selfish jerk and that his “casual relationship” is all a fallacy, he’s going to think that you are only saying this because you want the affair to end and you have your own agenda.

This is only my opinion.  And I am not an expert.  But to stop this cycle, you can either wait for him to come to his senses while placing your focus on yourself for now. Or, you can suggest counseling just to make sure that you’re handling this effectively for the kids. (You can reassure him that the counseling is more for co parenting than for saving the marriage for now.) The hope is that the counseling will help him see how he’s been fooling himself. And once that happens, he may well drop the complaints about your personality differences.

I believe that it is always beneficial to work on yourself.  And if his claims have validity, you can work on that.  But it also seems that he needs help in seeing reality.  And he will often resist your being the one to offer the help.  Sometimes a third party is invaluable with this. You can read more about my own process, and what helped me, at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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